Dear Dogs

Dear Dogs,

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

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The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the door knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, your attendance is not necessary.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be a simple change for you.

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't like their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he is an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all of the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

( Thanks Sarah for sending this to me. I made a few modifications.)