Don't Eat My Banana

I found this banana lying on a counter at work. The banana's name is Judy. Or, maybe someone named Judy is letting everyone know that she doesn't want her banana eaten. Sometimes it's hard to understand what a person means.

A family member of a patient told us that the patient is rich and famous. We've never heard of him. I would tell you his name if I could, but I think that it's safe to assume that you have never heard of him either. And besides, if he's rich and famous, what is he doing in our old, dumpy hospital? Rich and famous folks go to Cedars. Our hospital is for the anonymous and barely getting by. Who are they trying to kid?

The patient also keeps threatening us. Every time he makes some unreasonable demand, such as a lethal combination of sleeping pills and narcotics, and we refuse to do it, he'll say that he's going to call his doctor and tell him what bad care he's getting. It's hard not to laugh in his face. He also insists that this doctor is a personal friend of his, as if we care. His bullying tactics are both annoying and amusing. We can hear him ranting throughout the floor. Every eruption is followed by our laughter. I wonder if he has noticed that there is laughter off in the distance every time he yells.

Not only is he full of it figuratively, he is also full of it literally. We've tried all of our usual remedies for constipation and nothing worked. As a last result, he got a tap water enema. A quart of water went in and none came out. We don't know what happened to it. Oh well.

Lastly, another patient, not wanting to be any trouble, didn't use her call light when she needed to go to the bathroom. Instead, she just pulled out her IV, climbed out of bed on a brand new hip and peed on the floor. She didn't even squat. There's a reason that women need to squat. And then later, she did the same exact thing again. I don't care that she has a new hip, if she wants to pee on the floor that badly the least she could do is squat. Or better yet, use the call light. That's what we're here for.