Pitiful Patients and Their Families

One of our patients is the mother of a movie producer. His movies are big and you are familiar with them, but I'm not allowed to say their names due to privacy rules. The producer thinks that his mom is special and should be in a place like Cedars, where movie stars and the elite go for medical care.

The problem is that his mom bought el cheapo HMO insurance and so is stuck with us. He could pay for Cedars out of pocket, but that is not going to happen. Instead, he talked to management and explained who he is why his mom deserves special treatment. They caved agreed and gave her a private room.

Another patient had his call light on so I went in to answer it. I asked him how I could help him and he said that he needed to go to the bathroom. I said that I would grab some gloves and disconnect him from his equipment. He said that he didn't need to be disconnected and was just going to catheterize himself where he was. (That's what he does at home due to prostate surgery.) I asked if he needed anything and he said that the only thing he needed was some privacy.

I could have asked WTF he used his call light for if he didn't want a nurse, but I just smiled, said okay and left. That was my second asshole of the night.

The third asshole was a patient's son who mentioned that he was going to be seeking help outside of our HMO because our doctors hadn't been able to help his mom's macular degeneration. I didn't say a word but I was thinking plenty of ill thoughts. If it were possible to reverse this kind of blindness we would certainly waive our magic wand and do so. Let him go elsewhere and see that we're neither withholding treatment nor incompetent.

I know the horror stories involving my employer, but if we were as bad as people think, we would have been shut-down years ago. Oddly enough, that is what my employer uses as one of its selling points.

My favorite patient was a druggie. Usually, there is nothing worse. He was completely covered in tattoos and had a recent history of addiction to opiates and meth. He was still a heavy smoker and was hepatitis C positive. I'm not being sarcastic when I say he was my favorite. He was the least of the evils. He liked his drugs and had a high drug tolerance, but at least he wasn't mean.

There was another patient, who although not mean, got on my nerves because she cried most of the evening. I tried my best to make her feel better, but she was just so unhappy. Why was she sad, you ask? It was because she didn't have a bowel movement today. She had one yesterday, but not today. No, she didn't have cramps, pain or discomfort. She was just so disappointed.

She had just had major surgery hours earlier, it went well and amazingly was having no pain and all she could think about was poop.