Patient Perversions

How many times in one evening does a vagina need washing? The princess thinks that hers needs to be washed every time she pees. The nurses aren't happy about that, but will grudgingly try to please her. The part that bothers us the most is that she insists on a certain male nurse's aide taking care of that task. If he isn't there, she will say, "Go get John, he is the only one who knows how to wash my vagina."

Poor John. He is a nice, handsome young man and the patient is middle-aged and over 400 pounds. It can't be pleasant reaching in with a wet wash cloth while she barks orders to push it in deeper. When I first heard about her unusual requests a couple of days ago, I thought that she was using the word vagina loosely. Some people use that word to describe the general private area. Perhaps she just wanted to be washed off a little after using her female urinal. That is not an unusual request. It was just odd that she wanted a certain man to do it for her.

Tonight, one of my coworkers witnessed exactly what John was doing. He is literally washing the inside of her vagina with a wash cloth about every 45 minutes. He couldn't possibly be enjoying doing that. I think that the patient is sexually harassing John and he is afraid to refuse her demands. I'm dreading the talk that I'm going to have to have with him.

Another patient had major surgery because a dildo got stuck in his butt. Unable to pull it out, the surgeon had to cut him open to remove it. The wound is now infected and he needs complicated dressing changes several times a day. It will take several weeks for the deep wound to heal.

I would almost feel sorry for him, except that that same thing happened to him a year ago. That time there were also complications. He needed several units of blood and spent some time in ICU. They almost gave him a colostomy when they had trouble stopping the bleeding.

Perhaps sex toys should come with long handles or ropes attached. Since we can't seem to stop people from jamming foreign objects in their butts, there might as well be an easy way to extract them when necessary. Maybe I should get a patent.