Fit Testing Torture

Yesterday was the day that we were supposed to be fitted for special masks that help protect us from certain airborne illnesses. I've been fitted in the past, but they like to check every once in awhile to make sure that we still where the same size. The masks come in only two sizes, small and regular, so with my big head, it's a given that I'll never wear a small, but still they insist on putting everyone through the torture test of fitting them.

For the last fit test, I had a bad cold and couldn't do the test. The procedure involves first spritzing some noxious tasting chemical in your mouth. If you're able to taste it then the fitting process continues and finally ends with putting the mask on, having a hood put over your head, being spritzed inside the hood with more of that nasty tasting chemical and then, if you can't taste it, you passed the test. The whole process takes about 30 minutes.

Last night, I didn't have 30 minutes to spare. It was crazy. We were short two nurses plus we had to deal with a registry nurse and a brand new nurse from the float pool. One coworker and I were the only regular staff. We were almost full with orthopedic post-ops, which the visiting nurses hadn't been trained to take care of. I had a heavy load of patients, had to help the visiting nurses, fix their mistakes ( scary, stupid, they should have known better kind of mistakes) and act as charge nurse. This was not the evening to expect me to leave the floor for half an hour. But if I didn't, I would get in trouble. I had to come up with a plan to get out of the test.

I ran to the fit testing room and said that I had a bad cold and probably wouldn't be able to taste the chemical for the test. Instead of just spritzing something in my mouth and letting me go, the guy put a hood over my head and started spritzing the most bitter, noxious tasting chemical in the hood. Of course I had to just smile and pretend that I wasn't dying. He gave me thirty spritzes, the maximum that he was allowed to give. Not giving up, he then spritzed me thirty times with saccharine. I had to pretend to be oblivious to that too. He wasn't sure what to do next, so I took advantage of his indecision and rushed out of the room and back to my floor. I spent the next five minutes rinsing, gargling, spitting and snorting trying to get those nasty chemicals out of my oral and nasal tracts. My hair was sticky, my head was pounding, I couldn't get rid of that taste and I had to work for another six hours without a break. I think that fit test guy was trying to kill me.