The Ordeal

I have procrastinated for so long, that I no longer know where to start. The situation with my parents absolutely overwhelms me, so I have avoided blogging about it.

It turns out that in addition to my father's emphysema and congestive heart failure, he also had a major stroke. That is why he is now fed through a tube in his stomach. He has enough strength in his arms and legs that he should be able to walk, but he doesn't remember how. He also doesn't remember how to turn over in bed. He wears a diaper and needs to be changed regularly.

I have no idea how much he understands. He can speak in complete sentences, but rarely says a word. When asked a question, there is a long, long pause. He may give a one word response or no answer at all. He doesn't know how old he is, but he does seem to recall the past, I think. I'm not really sure. At least he remembers that I'm his girl and tells me he loves me and that I'm the greatest.

My mother isn't doing all that great either. Recently, she called me and with slurred speech, said that she was having a stroke. She refused to call 911. She didn't want the embarrassment of big red trucks with sirens and flashing lights coming to get her. My mother hates being the center of attention. I had no choice but to go get her and take her to the hospital. By that time, the window period for giving a clot-busting drug had expired.

The stroke mostly resolved itself. Her speech is fine, but she leans to one side when she stands. When I remind her to stand up straight, she can, but soon she forgets and goes back to that Hunchback of Notre Dame stance again.

An MRI was done and showed that my mother has had many tiny strokes in the past. Her brain is like Swiss cheese. That explains a lot. Since my mother's mother also had dementia, I had assumed it was genetic and I might be next in line. It is a tremendous relief to know that I only have to continue to take good care of myself (and maybe take a baby aspirin everyday) and I should be fine.

The problem is what to do with my parents. Medicare doesn't cover nursing home care and it runs about 5 or 6 thousand dollars a month. Even though my parents are fairly well off, it would eventually eat through their savings and then their house. When everything is gone, then Medi-Cal would kick in.

I tried having my mother take care of my father and it was disastrous. She couldn't remember sometimes how to feed my father. When she couldn't remember, I would have to drive over and take care of it. It is 50 miles round trip and she forgot at least once, sometimes twice a day. I was exhausted from having to do this before and sometimes after my shift in the hospital.

My father is on ten different medications given at different times of the day. Even though I organized the pills in little pill boxes labeled for each day and time, it was impossible for her to handle. She also kept forgetting to give my father water. I would call several times a day to remind her of the things that needed to be done, but it didn't help and she resented being told what to do.

I soon hired a nurse's aide to come for two hours a day to take care of my father. He did a great job, but it wasn't enough.

Twice, my father ended up in the hospital with dehydration. The last time, he also had a pressure ulcer on his bottom because he hadn't been cleaned and turned frequently enough. This got us in trouble with social services. The hospital let us bring my father home only if we had a care plan that didn't involve my mother.

Next, I hired an out of work construction worker. A nurse's aide would have been a better choice, but they are too expensive. The construction worker lives at my parent's house and seems to take good care of my father. It costs two thousand dollars a month, which has my mother very unhappy. She calls me several times a week and complains about him and the money. I can't do anything about the money, but I have offered repeatedly to find someone else. She doesn't want the construction worker fired because she feels sorry for him. I get stressed listening to my mother complain.

In a one year period, my brother and both of my parents had strokes. My brother died, my father was left bedridden and my mother has dementia. In the last two and a half years, I lost three dogs (who were really children, not dogs) to cancer. I feel like my family is disappearing.

So, now that I got this over with, I will return to more upbeat posts. I just wanted to let you all know why I have been so quiet lately.