Fat Phobia

It may not seem like it, but today was Christmas, at least for me it was. My family waited until I had a day off to celebrate, which was today.

Getting dressed for the party was a traumatic experience from which I will not soon recover. I wanted to wear black slacks, so I put on my favorite pair and I couldn't fasten them. I tried on a looser pair that tend to slide down when I walk. They were so tight they hurt. Giving up on black slacks, I tried on a pair of jeans and they looked like they had been painted on. I don't do that look. In desperation, I put on some black scrub pants. Thank God for elastic waistbands. They still fit.

When did this happen? Less than a week ago I wore a bikini and although I was a little plumper than I like to be, I didn't think that I looked that bad. And now suddenly, the only pants I can fit in have elasticized waist bands. This really sucks. It's also scary because of my history with bulimia. This is the kind of event that can trigger a relapse. I hope that I can maintain control and diet the old fashioned way. I also don't dare get on a scale. That would push me over the edge for sure. What does it say about me that part of me would rather risk death than be overweight? The battle for control continues. Damn Christmas goodies.