Blonde Aura

Most patients and their families are nice. I rarely mention them because, let's be honest, what's the entertainment value in that? It's the evil people who are the most fun to talk about.

For example, there was a jerk last week who, when I answered his call light, said that I wasn't fit to wipe his butt. We had never met before. He was on a bedpan, however, and needed someone to wipe him. Not that I wanted to wipe his butt, but it irritated me that he didn't want me.

I didn't need to ask what was wrong with me, he told me. It was because I'm blonde. He said that he hates blondes because they are all idiots. I joke about that, but he meant it. He said that it has something to do with the "chlorine" that blondes soak their head in. It leaches into their brains.

In a soft voice, I sweetly asked him to look at me closely. I then asked him what color he thought my hair really was. After a second, he said that I was a natural blonde. I told him that he was correct. He then began apologizing, which I graciously accepted. He even let me wash his ass. What a great guy he turned out to be.

Of course, I saw no reason to tell the idiot that no one my age has natural hair my shade of blonde. I'm blonde naturally, but my hair is dirty blonde with white streaks. It takes hair color to make me presentable.

It is funny, though, that the idiot thinks that blondes soak their heads in chlorine. That just turns my hair green.

Anyway, back to the subject of nice patients, I usually get compliments on a daily basis. Most people like to try to figure out which actress I look like. (Mostly, Darryl Hanna , occasionally, Diane Keaton) But I got a complement the other day that was totally new. The patient told me that I had a strong energy force. He raved about my aura and when I left, told me what an honor it was to have met me. All because of my energy force.

If he hadn't been an old, dying man with his wife at bedside, I would have thought that he was coming on to me. I'm not sure if he was getting too much morphine or if he can really detect energy forces. What do you think?