Specimens, Profanity, Gas And Parasites

A patient gave me two specimen cups. One was urine, the other was sputum. They were both frothy, cloudy and yellow. I didn't know which was which. I held them up to the light and swirled them as though I were examining a fine wine. Still no clue. Finally, I removed the lids and sniffed. That was not nearly as much fun as sniffing wine. Instead of a fruity, full-bodied essence, hinting of Spring blossoms, one of them smelled like piss and the other like putrid mold. Problem solved.

Another screamer patient has upped the ante. If we don't do what he wants the second he wants it, he screams F...!!! His door is now closed which upsets him even more and so he screams even more. I'm not going to do it, but it would be so tempting so yell various things back at him, such as " You wish" or "Like you still could" or "What woman would have you, you useless piece of s...?" I really need a vacation.

An elderly woman said something that truly puzzled me. She was complaining about gas pains and said that she was afraid that if she passed gas, the fetus would come out. I just looked at her wondering if she thought she was pregnant, when she corrected herself and said that she meant feces might come out. I had to leave the room for a minute so that I could laugh and then I came back in and told her that we would clean her if she had an accident and not to worry, this kind of thing happens all of the time.

Another patient, according to her medical record, is being treated for intestinal parasites by an outside homeopathic doctor with acupuncture and herbs. This is a new one for me. If I had intestinal parasites, I'm not sure that I would want someone sticking needles in me or giving me herbs. I would want poison to kill the bloody bastards, but then that's just me.