Happy Fat Tuesday

Hey! Are you laughing at me? Why? How do you dress for work during Mardi Gras?

The Cyanotic Bear

In order to access the oxygen lines in the walls, there needs to be a flow meter stuck in the wall. We don't have enough to go around, so decisions have to be made about who needs oxygen more, so that the flow meter can be taken from those who don't need it as much. Flow meters can't be that expensive and we've complained about this for years, but we're always short.

I'm stuck on a committee whose function is to find problems and fix them. I chose the lack of flow meters as my next project. It's not enough to have an idea, it's also necessary to come up with a model or prototype to demonstrate your idea. The photo shows the cyanotic bear. I made a nasal canula out of pipe cleaners and put it on the bear. My explanation was that we have a lot of bears in the unit who don't have oxygen when they need it. (When I went up the elevator with my bear and silly putty flow meter, a man kept staring at me like I was crazy. I am, but that's beside the point.)

I found out whose job it is to order such things, so if she doesn't buy them, my next step is to go over her head. This person is also my boss. Is it too late to choose another project?

Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy . I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work .. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5.It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Why Dogs Bite Their Owners

Thanks, Sarah.

Unusual Homes

Was the stone mason drunk, or is this what the owners really wanted?




Uh, I don't need to go to the bathroom that badly. I can wait.

Where are Hansel and Gretel? What have you done with them?

I just got my house painted. Like it?

(Just kidding. I don't have nearly that much land.)

What did the neighbors ever do to you?

Oh well. Two can play at this game.

Don't leave by the back door.

A cat house.

What happens when the tree dies?

Is this after the earthquake?

Is this after the tornado? Oh no, where's Toto and Dorothy?

Did this architect also design the Disney Center in LA?

Thanks, Sarah.

Puto, Cake and Foot Plates

This is someone's idea of dessert. It's kind of pretty isn't it? It looks like balls of sorbet. What it is, is puto. The ingredients are rice, water, sugar and food coloring. No one offered me any so I can't describe the taste, but it looked and smelled like gooey rice balls. (Is it okay to sniff, photograph and post pictures of people's food without their knowledge?)

Later, we were given cupcakes by a patient's family. The nurses who enjoyed puto, wrinkled their noses at the offer of cupcakes. That meant more cake for me. I think that things worked just fine.

I overheard a coworker asking for a foot plate. I had never heard of this, but I figured it was some kind of orthopedic device. Later it was delivered. It was a fruit plate. It might be time to get my hearing checked.

Dumb Dots

It's not a new idea, but it's believed by some that putting an orange dot next to patient's names will prevent falls. This idea is based on the premise that patients fall because nurses are too stupid to know which patients are at a high risk for falls and so need a dot to alert them.

The dots go on the big white board that has all of the patient's names on them. Because we didn't have orange markers, we used red markers to make dots instead. The falls continued.

It was decided that patients were continuing to fall because the dots were red instead of orange, so orange markers were obtained. Next, the patients had orange dots next to their names. The falls continued.

The only conclusion learned from this was that the dots weren't big and bright enough. Stick-on dots were purchased, so there are now big, orange dots next to every patient's name. The falls continue.

Notice that I said that the dots are next to every patient's name? That's because all of the patients in my unit are at high risk for falls. So, what's the point in putting a dot next to each and every name? A dot doesn't mean anything if everyone has them. Besides, we know that the patients are all fall risks.

Patients fall because we can't be everywhere at once. We try, but there are considerably more rooms than nurses. I don't know the answer to preventing falls, we can't tie everyone up or drug them all into submission. We can't afford a sitter in every room. The only thing I do know is that a silly orange dot on the board isn't going to keep people from falling.

Spilled Contraband

We're not allowed to drink at the nursing station, so I had my tea hidden behind the computer. A coworker moved the screen causing the cup to tip over on to a stack of patient documents. We dried the pages the best we could, but they were crinkled and yellowish. If anyone asks, the official story is that there was a urine spill. Heaven forbid that anyone find out it's tea.

One of our patients decided that he didn't like the metal rods that were holding his arm together, so he tried to remove them, including the pins that went through his skin into the bone. I'm sure that the hardware was unpleasant, but then, so is having an arm that bends the wrong way. Now he has to go back to surgery to repair the damage he caused. He is not old, just crazy.

A patient in ER had the diagnosis of "altered". I thought that this just something that was done to dogs and cats.

Another patient had the diagnosis of "falling all over." Did they mean that the patient fell on his face, got up and them fell on his butt, got up and then fell on his side and so forth? Or, did they mean that the patient fell all over town, such as in the store, then the bank, then at the gas station?

The Monkey

I could go into a long, drawn-out tirade into all of the reasons why I'm so pissed, but I'm going to exercise restraint and limit myself to a rant on only one of the things that pissed me off last night. The subject is patient bed assignments. Excited? I knew you would be.

We know the surgical schedule a full week in advance. Certain types of surgeries must come to my unit, so if someone other than a monkey was in charge of bed assignments, they could plan ahead and reserve beds for the patients who must come to my unit.

Yesterday, one of our patients had surgery in the morning. Around noon-time, he was done in recovery and they wanted to send him up to us. The only problem was that the monkey, as is her habit, had filled us up with non-surgical patients who could have gone anywhere. We had no beds.

The monkey sat on this problem until 3pm, and then called us and said to transfer out one of the patients she had given us earlier, who didn't need to be on our floor. Recovery room called a few minutes later wanting to give report so that they could transfer the patient to us. Recovery was complaining that the patient had been waiting for hours on a hard gurney, like that was our fault. We can't transfer patients out and have the room cleaned on a minutes notice, so they were told to call back later.

This was also change of shift. If the monkey had made a decision earlier, the patient could have been transferred fairly quickly, but at change of shift we have more urgent matters that must be taken care of in that narrow window of time. Transferring patients is not our priority.

Recovery room started calling every five minutes and each time the secretary would explain why we couldn't accept the patient yet. The calls became ugly and so the secretary refused to take any more calls from them. That meant the nurses had to take the calls, which just put us further behind, delaying the transfer.

While we were at each other's throats, the monkey who caused the problem, was driving home, blissfully unaware of the situation she created. I wish that I could say that last night was an aberration, but this was typical monkey scheduling.

Warning To All Men

You may want to pass this along to your son and brothers; I guess this is a big issue. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often wake with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victimto this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the horrific details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

I Need A Nap

I thought that dogs had bones.


Is this someone's idea of a salad?

Head-warmer.

I just put chicken on my dog's kibble to get them to eat it.

That does it. I want a puppy.

Did he pass out from the smell?

Forget the cat, what's with the wire hangers?
Somebody needs to buy a bigger chair.

Is this a dog?

Are you sure this is a dog?

Thanks, Sarah.

Gravity, The Constitution And The Ten Commandments

Consider These 3 Thoughts:

1) Zero Gravity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again, enjoy paying them.

2) Our Constitution

"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it anymore."

3) Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Thanks, Scott

Not A Joke

Our union contract guarantees us a certain number of paid days off per year. All we have to do is give 14 days notice and we have the day off, no questions asked. Because those who know best have not gotten around to replacing the nurses we have lost in the last year, we are working seriously short-staffed. As a result, all time off requests are being denied, in violation of our contract.

One of the nurses complained to a manager about this and the manager had an original solution to the problem that never would have occurred to me. She said to request days off for the days that we have off. For not being a joke, we sure got a good laugh. I guess that's why she makes the big bucks.

A Polar Bear And A Dog's Signature

At the beginning of the shift, the previous nurse told me that she put a polar bear on the patient's knee. I said okay and managed not to laugh. Nurses who don't speak English as a first language say the cutest things. What she meant to say is polar care, which is a type of ice pack treatment. Polar bears are cuter than polar cares, but I think a bear would keep the patient warm instead of cold.

I sign my name dozens and dozens of times a day, so you would think that I would have it down by now. So why tonight, did I sign my dog's name in a patient's chart? Because we're not allowed to scratch over anything we've written in a chart, all I could do is draw a single line through it and write my name above it. Idiot.

Code Brown In A Zoo

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.

With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.

Two Big Pains

We're trying to get rid of a patient who just needs custodial care. The problem is that no facility will take him. One facility did express an interest in him until they saw his transfer summary with 21 major diagnoses. Most patients have one or two. Our solution was to re-write the summary and pare it down to a more manageable 5.

I got a good laugh over this, in fact I was bent over double laughing. I wish that I could post both summaries, so that you could compare the difference. Written days apart, it's hard to believe they're describing the same patient. He's gotten so much better so quickly that at this rate, he should be walking out of the hospital fully cured by the end of the week.

Another patient came to the hospital complaining of double vision. In ER, a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) was attempted three times without success. She was admitted and came up to our floor where a doctor stuck a needle in her spine six times without success. Finally admitting defeat, an anesthesiologist was asked to do it. He got it on his first try. Too bad they didn't just ask someone who knows what he's doing to do it the first time.

That happened several days ago and the patient now has excruciating back pain. There was nothing wrong with her back before we got a hold of her. We still have no idea what's wrong with her, but at least we know why her back hurts.

Cold And Dirty

Those of you who live in the snow aren't going to be impressed, or even sympathetic, but it's cold here. The good news is that it's raining and the snow level is dropping. About another 5 degrees lower and it will snow here. If that happens, the freeways will be closed and I won't be going to work tomorrow. It's a long-shot, but I can still hope.

In the meantime, I'm cold. Even the hospital was cold. I worked my shift in a fur-lined jacket. My coworkers wrapped themselves in blankets. Oh please, let it snow so that I can be cold at home instead.

It's also getting dirty at work. I pulled out a table and wrote a message for housekeeping in the dust.

Under another table at the nursing station, I found gum. Unfortunately, my fingers found it first. Nurses can be such pigs. Can you believe that this is a hospital?

What Are The Odds?

One of these purses belongs to me and the other one belongs to Sarah. This did not happen on purpose.

__________________________

I was watching the Olympics and became entranced by the slalom skiers. It wasn't the skiing as much as the accessories that interested me. One person wore a tiara and the other strands of pearls. The commentators didn't like it, but I loved it.

Just because they're athletes competing in the Olympics doesn't mean that they should always be grimly, deathly serious. And, just because someone wears a tiara or pearls doesn't mean that they don't take the sport seriously. The accessories are about not taking themselves too seriously, having fun and celebrating their feminity.

I really need to buy a tiara.

Frozen Rice Bags

I'm not sure what people keep in the freezer at other places of business, but my coworkers keep baggies of plain boiled rice. I guess they want to be prepared for those sudden rice cravings. I can't imagine why not, but the vending machines don't carry rice. The vending machine owners are missing out on a huge market.

Death Shoes And Stinky Fingers

I saw these shoes in a magazine and think that they would be perfect for all of the employees here. They look soft, comfy and no patient can complain that they weren't warned.
________________________

A patient was sniffing her fingers and complaining that her vagina smelled really bad. Her concern was that she had a yeast infection. She then rubbed her fingers between her legs, gathered up some gook and held her fingers out to me. I'm not sure if she expected me take a whiff too, but I just took a step backwards. There was just no way.

This Could Happen To You

WARNING TO ALL WOMEN!!

THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOUR MOTHER, YOUR SISTER OR YOUR DAUGHTER.

The strangest thing happened to me at lunch today. I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two men came and sat down at my table. I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at my table and wouldn't leave me alone. I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was married and that I was not interested in them. Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on the Cafe's camera. I'm sending you this picture as a warning just in case they try and pick you up too. Honestly, some men think they are God's gift.

Then I fell out of bed and woke up!!!!!! So how did your day start?

Wearing Wicked Wires

I bought a new foundation garment and wore it for the first time to work today. After a couple of hours, I couldn't stand it anymore. It felt like some medieval instrument of torture with wires digging into my rib cage. No matter how much I tugged, and I tugged plenty, reaching under my top to rearrange things, the wires just kept digging in deeper.

In desperation, I grabbed a pair of scissors, went into the bathroom and did some surgery. The damned wires were extracted. Instant relief.

So, did my female appendages suddenly droop or look any less perky without the wires? Not one bit. Their only purpose was to cause pain, apparently. Whose idea was it to put these things in women's underwear? I doubt that men would put up with wires in their underwear, even if it did enhance their natural attributes.