Competing Prints

I saw this little number in a Target ad. Is it just me or is this just about the worst combination of prints imaginable?

Sometimes when just hanging around the house, my dad will wear something like that. No, he doesn't wear a skirt. What I mean is that he sometimes wears competing prints, but he's a man, so what do you expect? I'm surprised with all of the money that ad must have cost Target, that this is the best outfit they could come up with.

It didn't end up in the photo, but the model is also wearing bobby socks, yellow I think, with sandals. What do you think of this outfit? Would you wear it?

Fur Accessory

Poor little Murph. He was walking around dragging part of a pond pump. His tummy fur got sucked into it and trapped. At least the pump came apart so that he wasn't also dragging an electrical cord. It's not easy being a dog.

Priceless Sheriff's Car

Luxury SUV......... $50,000.00

Custom Wheels.... $5,000.00

Custom Stereo...... $3,000.00

Seizing it from a drug dealer...... Priceless

Fooled Again

I opened the refridgerator and the door shelf collapsed, sending wine and beer bottles slamming to the floor. It was loud, but nothing broke. The next thing I heard was two loud meows from a cat in distress. My computer did that to me recently, but this was too much of a coincidence. The cat heard the crash and was calling out to me and also, the computer cat only meows once, this was twice.

I did another search for the cat and found nothing. I searched the Internet and found someone else complaining of the same problem. There must be a cat virus floating around and AOL can't detect it with their virus screens. I hope that it doesn't do anything other than meow. In the meantime the meowing is getting tiresome. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night, I can hear it meow. Will it ever stop?

Pencil Problem

Every day at work, two pencils get stolen. The secretary starts her shift by unlocking the supply drawer and removing two pencils. The next day, they will be gone, like clock-work.

Last night, I found a pencil in the toilet. Maybe that's what's been happening to them, but why?

The next problem was what to do about the pencil. We weren't sure who to call. Housekeeping cleans toilets and engineering unclogs them. An argument could be made either way. One of the nurses decided to take matters into her own hands. Donning gloves, she reached into the toilet while we all watched and made ewwwwing sounds. She got it out without flooding her gloves. Who knew that nurses could get so upset about reaching in a toilet? We reach into far worse things than that everyday.

Fallen Egg

I found this egg lying in the dirt. I looked around and couldn't find the nest, so I'm not sure what happened.

By the way, I think that's fur stuck to my fingers. When I'm hot and sticky, fur clings to me. Instead of tarred and feathered, I've been sweated and furred.

Needle Biter

Lately, I've been watching House, MD. Dr. House is rude, outrageous, not good looking and yet is so oddly appealing. I have no idea why I like House so much, but I do. He is just so irresistible.

On a recent episode, he used his teeth to remove the cap from a needle before giving the patient a shot. I used to work with a nurse who sometimes did that and would spit the cap in the trash can.

Would you mind if your nurse was coming at you with a needle and she removed the cap with her teeth?

The Dog Days Of Summer

What is it about mud that attracts dogs?

Fruitaholic

Have I mentioned that I like fruit? In addition to the peaches, apricots and nectarines, I also have over 20 pounds of melons, four pounds of cherries and it is all for me, me, me. I'm not sharing.

Clean Socks Rule

I stumbled upon the employee dress code at work and found an interesting difference between men and women. It states for women, "Stockings or socks are to be worn while on duty." In the dress code for men, it states that, "Clean socks must be worn at all times." (Emphasis added.)

My employer apparently does not find it necessary to ask women to wear clean socks, but where men are concerned, nothing is assumed.

I guess this means that I can continue to wear dirty socks.

Splash And Running Lights

I took a shower and washed my hair as usual before getting ready for work. I had a few extra minutes and noticed that the pond filter needed cleaning. It would only take a minute, so I walked to the edge of the pond, lost my balance and fell in.

The pond is so icky. It looks and feels like split pea soup. I also bumped into a fish. EWWW. I like looking at them, but hate touching them. They feel the same way about me, I'm sure. Afterwards, I took my second shower of the day.

---

Driving to work, I was in the intersection waiting to make a left turn. The light turned yellow and as usual, cars kept coming, so I waited. The light turned red and there was one last truck barreling towards me. I may be absent-minded and a little ditzy sometimes, but I'm not foolish enough to turn in front of a speeding truck. I had the right of way, but being right doesn't do much good if you're dead. While waiting for the truck to finish running the red light, the driver behind me blared his horn. It is a good thing that I'm not armed.

Enough, Already

It's also humid. A few miles away, in Woodland hills, the temperature was 119.

This is me arriving at work. I did not want to get out of my air conditioned car. By the time I got inside the building, my bangs were dripping wet. I may have stunk as well, but it doesn't matter. The patients smelled worse. Much worse. I hope the air conditioner in the new hospital works better than this one.

I found this lizard in a spare bathroom at home. Either it's too hot for him outside or he has found my house to be a rich source of bugs to eat. He can stay. Anything that eats bugs is welcome.

Ungrateful Bums

The stabbing victim's mom has announced that she expects us to send our security guards home with them when her son is discharged. I should try to be non-judgmental, but if one of the patient's gang-banger friends is out to get him, I don't care. Really, I don't. Even if I did care, it wouldn't change anything. This is a hospital, not a security firm.

These people are taking advantage of us and management is treating them like VIP's, kowtowing to their every whim. Because the poor mamma's boy didn't like the food that we were giving him, his mom demanded a cafeteria pass. The pass entitles her to go down to the cafeteria, get anything she wants and we pay for it. I saw her come back from the cafeteria carrying seven full platters of food. The patient is a big boy, over 300 pounds, but I doubt that even he is eating that much food three times a day. I'm sure that we are feeding their entire family.

They also expect us to send our nurses to their home after he is discharged. That is a service we provide, but only to members. Have I mentioned that they have no insurance? The mom thinks that they should be entitled to the same benefits as members. It's not good enough that we have provided three weeks of hospitalization for free, they keep demanding more, more and more.

There is one thing that I have noticed. Stabbing and shooting victims never seem to have insurance. Why is that?

The Fight

I don't know what the fight was about because it was in Hebrew, I think. All I know for sure is that the stabbing victim patient was facing three men standing next to his bed and all of them were pointing their fingers at each other, while shouting f#$% you. With all four of them shouting that phrase in machine gun fashion, it sounded almost like a four-part harmony. Since their primary language was not English and their argument was in another language, I wonder why they used English obscenities.

The security guard went in the room to break up the fight, but they ignored him and kept yelling that special endearing phrase. Back-up was called and once there was a guard for each guest, they left. More than anything, I found the fight to be amusing, but my coworkers were scared and a couple of them hid.

We are all getting very tired of these people. The nurses have to take turns taking care of that patient because we need to share the burden. The patient's mother is difficult, demanding and impossible to please. When we called a surgeon with one more unreasonable request on her behalf, the surgeon said, "Tell him to grow up and tell his mother to shut up." The message was not relayed to the patient, unfortunately. That would have been fun to watch.

These are not high quality people and I'm not saying that just because they hang out with gangs. They didn't like one of their nurses so they wrote on a board in the room, "[P.] is a whore." They spelled the name out. I abbreviated it. If they did that to me, I would take a picture of it and sue them for libel. They better be careful who they defame. Their next nurse might be a lawyer.

Sauna Day

This has got to stop. The bank sign said that the temperature was 112 degrees. My car said that the temperature was only 110. Driving a little further, my car said that the temperature was 113. So, I don't know how hot it was exactly, I just know that it was hot.

It's also humid with thunder-heads hanging over the mountains. My air conditioner is going full blast and has not shut off for even a minute since I turned it on around 9 this morning. All I'm doing right now is sitting at the computer, drinking Guinness and sweat is dripping off my face.

The pond water is so warm that I was afraid that I would end up with fish soup, so I went to the Home Depot to buy some chlorine removing chemicals so that I could flood the pond with cold water. I'm used to some of the customers stinking. Men hard at work doing construction and needing to make a quick hardware store run are sometimes a little on the fragrant side, but today even the employees stunk. It wasn't their fault. I don't know if their air conditioner was broken or just couldn't keep up, but that place was like a sauna.

The pond is now much cooler and Murphy is back to soaking in it again. Before, the water was so warm that he would get in and immediately climb out.

I'm not looking forward to going to work tomorrow, not that I ever do. Their air conditioner can't keep up either and I'm going to be faced with hot, claustrophobic patients. Why is it that heat makes people claustrophobic? I want to go visit Michelle in the chilly tropics.

My Worst Enemy

Stupid, stupid Melissa. You know what she did to me last night? She left the keys in the car ignition. So, I had to call Auto Club and wait out on the street in the middle of the night in a cruddy neighborhood until they came.

She says that it wasn't her fault. There was no warning dinging when she got out of the car that the keys were still in the ignition. I think that is a flimsy excuse. Melissa has been driving long enough to know to take the car keys with her.

Anyway, Auto Club unlocked the car and I asked him to wait a second while I started my car. It hadn't escaped my notice that Melissa had also left the power on and that the dashboard was lit up like the Vegas Strip. I turned the key and nothing. The battery had been drained. The locksmith didn't have jumper cables, so I had to go back to the street and wait an additional half-hour for another Auto Club vehicle.

They were late, but at least they came. There was just one problem, the truck was too high to fit in the parking structure. He asked me to walk him to my car, which I did, wondering what he was planning on doing. Did he not believe me that I knew a dead battery when I saw one?

He got in the car, turned the key and of course nothing happened. Then he asked me if I wanted to steer. I didn't understand what he was talking about, so he said that we were going to push my car down to the entrance of the building. It sounded insane to me. I was on the third floor. I said that I would rather push than steer, because I wasn't sure that I could make the tight corners on the way down without the power to help me turn the wheel.

He climbed in, I pushed the car out of the parking spot and then ran after my car following it down. On the second floor, there was a major flat area, so he had to get out and help push. Soon it was out of the structure and he jump-started my car. I got safely home and hour and a half late.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Do you know what else stupid Melissa has been doing for the last week? Driving without headlights at night. The dim lights were on (what are they called, fog lights?), but the real headlights were off. She says that it wasn't her fault. The car did not come with an owner's manual and how is a dumb blonde supposed to figure out something as complicated as turning headlights on. It's a good thing that there are street lights everywhere.

And lastly, there is the passenger window embarrassment. It went down automatically when the top was lowered, but it would not come back up. This really wasn't Melissa's fault. She tried and tried to figure out how to get it to go back up and ended up having to drive with the window down.

It's too bad that yesterday she found the magic override switch that made the car window control work. If the side window had still been down, I could have crawled in my car after Melissa locked me out.

Flying Lizard Man

We have a patient who is about 450 pounds and is covered from neck to toe with tattoos. I was spared seeing the private area, so I can't tell you how he decorated his manly bits, but the rest of him was covered with flowers and flying lizards. Maybe they were dragons. It's hard to tell.

Anyway, he needs an MRI, but he won't fit in ours. We called around to other hospitals with open MRIs, but he won't fit in those either. I guess we're going to have to do what doctors did before MRIs were invented, guess what's wrong with him.

We have been sued in the past for lacking medical equipment for people of unusual weight, but we just bought the scales, tables or whatever was needed to resolve the lawsuits. This time there isn't anything we can do about it, MRIs don't come in larger sizes. It must be tough to be a special-order size in an off the rack world.

Calling Security And A Dangling Uterus

Our system at work for letting people know that they have a phone call is a little old-fashioned. We just holler. If they don't respond, we yell louder until they yell back, okay! or what?!.

I answered the phone tonight and the caller wanted to speak to our security guard, so I yelled, "Security." The guard continued to stare off into space, so I yelled even louder, "Security guard."

It was then that I noticed that the entire floor had grown quiet and everyone was looking at me. Oops. That was like yelling for help. How embarrassing.

*************************************

One of my patients has a prolapsed uterus, meaning that it is hanging out of her vagina. It looks like she is delivering a really ugly baby and the head has made its way out of the birth canal.

Normally, she stuffs it back into her vagina when it slips out, but for some reason, while she's here, she's letting it all hang out. I don't even know how it fits in her vagina, it wouldn't fit in mine. It's the size of a newborn's head. Even her vagina is hanging out of her vagina, so I guess she has a good excuse for not having sex with her husband. I wonder if that's why she has refused to get it fixed.

Attempted Murder And Potty Problems

One of our patients is in the hospital because he was nearly stabbed to death. His story is that he was at a friend's house when a man wearing a ski mask suddenly burst in the door. The friend took off and escaped, so the masked intruder stabbed him instead. Various illegal drugs were in his bloodstream and judging from the type of visitors coming to see him, I'm guessing that the real problem was a drug deal gone bad.

He's under an assumed name because of concerns that someone might try to finish the job while he's in the hospital. We are under instructions to tell anyone who asks, that we have no such patient.

This is just not working. A few of nights ago, a group of young males, all dressed in black T-shirts and sporting a tough demeanor showed up looking for him. The secretary told them that we have no such patient. They were insistent that he was here and demanded to know where we were hiding him. Voices became raised, profanities followed, but the secretary held her ground. Just then, the patient's mother came out of the room and they saw her. They glared at the secretary with killing looks and then headed for the room. Someone inside the room yelled, "Call security."

About fifteen minutes later, security showed up. Not much happened after that. Some people stayed and others left voluntarily. Our secretary was upset about that encounter and complained to the supervisor who was sympathetic, but did nothing.

A couple of hours later, O.R. called us and said that someone looking for our secret patient was on the way up to our floor. What was O.R. thinking when they sent him in our direction?! A few seconds later the elevator door opened and off got a young guy in black. He wanted to know which room our hidden patient was in. The earlier scene was repeated. He yelled, dropped the F bomb and left.

Our secretary was done after that. She called the supervisor again and this time a security guard was assigned to guard us. We now have a guard 24 hours a day. Since they're unarmed, I'm not sure what good they are, but maybe somebody might be intimidated by some minimum wage, not good enough for the police academy, security guard.

I'm not worried about a gang so intent on getting him that they will storm the hospital and take all of us out too. If someone really wants to get him, it would be so much easier to just wait until he goes home.

What is annoying me is that the guards sit right next to the bathroom. I have to turn sideways to get past them to get in the bathroom and they are practically leaning against the door. How am I supposed to go potty with some man just outside the door? I will be so glad when the patient is gone so that I can go to the bathroom again in privacy.

Lovely And Thin

This what I did today. No, I wasn't sucked into a realm of squiggly lines, that was yesterday. This photo was the result of asking my mom to take my picture with my camera. Not wanting to touch the camera with my wet hands, I tried to explain how to work it. Somehow it got on the movie setting. Not wanting to post a movie of me getting my picture taken along with the ensuing discussion, I just took a picture of the movie that I froze on my computer screen.

The sweet and charming Karen H. suggested for my next post, that I say how I stay so lovely and slim at age 50.

First of all, Karen. I am very photogenic. I really am a blue-eyed blonde, but the resemblance ends there. Ask anyone who knows me, I photograph incredibly well.

I do plead guilty to being thin. I am weight conscious and whenever presented with junk food or something that is especially fattening, I ask myself a question, "Is this worth getting fat over?" This is another version to my theme of, "I'll be damned if I'm going to get fat eating something that I don't even like." I silently chant that to myself when offered food that is not worth the calories.

I fill up on raw fruit and drink lots of water. Dinner is usually a big raw vegetable salad with very little dressing. I drink fat-free milk and soy milk. Most of my protein intake comes from milk and nuts. I love smoothies made with frozen berries, milk and Splenda. It tastes like sorbet to me. I do not believe in dieting. For me, that's the route to hell. I believe in moderation in all things. Chocolate, in moderation, is not something that I will deny myself.

Exercise is important too. Ten minutes a day of muscle strengthening exercises and ballet stretches is enough to maintain muscle tone. Turning and lifting patients also burns up calories.

So, there it is. That's the secret to being lovely and thin, photograph well and eat healthy food and get some exercise. Should I write a book? No, I guess not. I think that one or two other people have written books on this subject. ;)

Hate At First Sight

I once had a Golden Retriever named Chaucer. My parents had a Dalmation. The Dalmation was young and playful while Chaucer was old and arthritic. The Dalmation would jump on Chaucer causing him to collapse to the floor. I would pick him back up and then he would get knocked down again. Chaucer grew to hate the Dalmation.

One day I was walking Chaucer and he saw a life-size Dalmation statue in someone's front yard. Despite his advanced old age and frailty, he took off after it, dragging me along for the ride. He leaped on the statue and dug his teeth into the back of its neck. Instantly he realized his mistake. He had thought that it was the evil Dalmation. Sheepishly, he continued on the walk. He learned from his mistake and never attacked that statue again.

Neighborhood Feud

Shy Penis And A Fire Reward

"Where is your penis?" I can't believe that my coworker asked her patient that, but she insists that she did. I can understand wondering that. I've been in that situation myself, where you need to do something to a penis and it's not there, but I would never say anything. I just look, palpate and probe until I find it.

The poor guy just said that he would pull it out for her. He was morbidly obese, plus uncircumcised, which led to the penis being completely internal. He reached in, extracted it and handed it to her. She lost her grip and it snapped back in like a tape measure. He had to reach back in and pull it out again. She got him catheterized, but I wonder if he'll survive the humiliation. Dating must be hell for him.

********************************

The speakers at work blared out, "Code red, eighth floor, manual pull station." This was repeated several times as the doors automatically slammed shut, the fire alarmed chimed and the strobe lights flashed. We have code reds all the time, but not on my floor. Within seconds employees from other floors, carrying fire extinguishers, came running from the stairwells. It was all quite dramatic and must have been scary for the little kid who pulled the fire alarm for the fun of it.

Afterwards, a manager gave the kid a carton of juice to help him feel better. I'm not saying that we should have beat the kid up, but isn't that sending the wrong message to reward him for wrong behavior? The next time he's thirsty, he may pull another fire alarm.

Blogaversary

Hey, I just realized something. This is the one year anniversary of my blog. Dave Goodman of emusings kept nagging me to get my own blog. I was blogging in his comments section on a regular basis, so in a way, I've been blogging for over a year now.

This started out as an experiment. I wasn't sure if I would do it for more than a month or two. I also wasn't sure what I would write about. I wanted to keep things light and funny as much as possible. If people wanted sadness and tragedy, hospitals could sell tickets.

I did not want this to be a professional blog and was, and still am, a little alarmed that my name has been added to the blogroll of professional nursing blogs. Although everything I write is true, I try to approach things from a silly angle. Most nursing blogs are so serious that they could be attached to resumes. I didn't think that I would fit in because I try to be silly and I'm not writing for medical professionals, but I've gained more readers, so I guess that I'm worrying for nothing.

My biggest surprise has been my stats. I hit the 15,000 mark a few weeks ago. Of course it's not 15,000 different people reading my blog, it's mostly the same people re-visiting, but still, I never dreamed that I would have those kind of stats.

This blog is no longer an experiment. I'm completely and hopelessly addicted. Thanks, Dave (I think) and thank you to everyone who visits me.

Missiles And Socks

This is our new hospital. Some new appendages have suddenly appeared on the roof.

It looks like some kind of missile system to me. We are under the flight path for Burbank Airport. I wonder if the hospital plans on shooting down the planes?

Like most people, I have a problem with the occasional missing sock. I found this sock in the bottom of the pond. But it wasn't lonely. There was also a pillow down there.

Meow

While preparing the dogs' dinner, I heard a meow. I spun around expecting to see a cat, but there were only three hungry dogs staring back at me. About an hour later, I heard it again. It was still in the kitchen. The cat was in distress.

I looked around, behind and under all of the furniture and appliances and opened all of the cabinets. I started meowing hoping that it would answer back, but all that did was upset the dogs. It's a good thing that my house doesn't have any crawl spaces or I would have had to look there too. I could not find the cat.

Later, I was sitting at my computer and heard the meow again. It was my computer doing that. What's up with that? Did my computer catch a feline virus?

They Really Do That?

My student was upset. A patient needed a condom catheter and another nurse had explained to her how it was done. She said, "He told me that I need to do this." She jerked her curled hand up and down in the air. No wonder she was upset. She's a nice girl who has studied hard to become a nurse and certainly didn't want to be little more than a prostitute. I told her that the nurse was having fun with her. Just then he walked by. I smiled and coyly said to him, "We do not jack-off the patients." He laughed and replied that he does. Another nurse who overheard the exchange chimed in that she does too and was taught that in nursing school.

I was laughing at their joking. A gay male nurse and a prim and proper young female nurse playing with their patient's penis every time they need to put on a condom catheter? The mental picture I had was so hilarious. It sounded like the plot for some low-budget porn flick, and yet, that's what they did. They both insisted that it was not possible to put on a condom catheter without first getting the patient to have an erection. I replied that I got them on flaccid penises all of the time. I explained how the applicator that comes with it makes it easy. They just looked at me blankly.

Wondering if it was perhaps a Filipino nursing school thing, I asked some other Filipino nurses about that and they were all shocked. They most definitely had never been taught that and had never done that. I even looked it up in a nursing how-to book and giving the patient a hand job was not one of the steps.

It's a wonder that no patient has ever complained about that. Or, maybe not. Would you complain?

New Car Anxiety

I don't know where to start. It was a busy, stressful day, but it ended with this in my driveway. I hope that I did the right thing.

I wanted to test drive a Honda, but I couldn't find the dealership. I knew what street it was on, it must be big, but I couldn't find it and gave up. While driving around looking for it, I passed the Saturn dealership and saw the Sky parked out front. It was too snazzy not to notice and I just had to take a closer look.

It did not come with a spare tire, which was a deal-breaker for me. (Attention car manufacturers: You would be able to sell more cars if you designed cars with spare tires.) There was, however, a Nissan 350Z sitting nearby. It had a spare tire. Being two years old, it was also affordable.

I took it for a test drive and it handled beautifully and fit me perfectly. It was also an automatic, a major plus. Long story short, it's mine.

I'm feeling anxious right now, but I guess that's normal. It's not everyday that I spend that kind of money. I took Murphy for a drive with the top down, but he didn't care for it. The seat wasn't big enough for him, but that's okay. I still have the station wagon for the boys to ride in.

Finger Colanders

At work, our ice machine has two settings, plain crushed ice and crushed ice and water mixed together. One of my new coworkers needed just plain ice, but didn't know how to flip the switch to change the setting, so she ended up with a cup of water and ice. Her solution was to put her fingers across the top, tip it over the sink and drain the water out. The patient got the finger-strained ice to munch on.

That reminded me of when I was a waitress back in college. I used a similar technique for washing the jello. The trays of jello did not have lids so everything stored above it, such as grated cheese and diced ham, would fall into the jello. I held the little cubes of jello under running water to wash the crud off. Once all of the squares had been washed, I tipped it upside down with my fingers over the top and drained off the excess water. Spritzing it with whipped cream hid the water damage.

Customers did sometimes complain that the jello always had water in the bottom of the bowl. I would just innocently reply, "It does?". I guess I should have also towel dried the jello.

I know that's gross, but people who order jello in a restaurant get what they deserve. Sorry, just kidding. Actually, I was doing them a favor by cleaning it first. And it could have been much worse, at least I didn't walk around with a banana in my pants like the cook did. And in case you were wondering, the pants bananas did not go to waste. They were peeled and served to customers.

Like Pulling Teeth

My patient was on her way to have surgery and according to an earlier assessment, had a full set of upper and lower dentures. Dentures must be removed prior to surgery because if the anesthesiologist tries to jam a tube down the patient's throat with dentures still in the mouth, they may be dislodged and go down the throat with the tube. That would be bad.

I once forgot to remove the dentures and got into so much trouble that I've become hyper-vigilant in my determination not to do that again. This patient had severe dementia so I couldn't ask her to remove them herself. I just reached in and grabbed them. They had an incredibly snug fit. She must have had an excellent dentist to get them to fit so well. I kept tugging and she was starting to fight me and moan.

The room was dark, so I turned the light on so that I could better find the spot to break the suction to get them loose. What I saw were natural teeth with a few teeth missing in the back. She didn't have dentures, but partials and they had already been removed.

I've got to stop working in the dark. Thank God I didn't use pliers.

Cold Ruins

It's been about 5,000 degrees here lately and humid, too. I've been thinking about how nice it was to be cold in Ireland. These are a few photos of ruins/abandoned buildings. They were everywhere.

Coke Versus Pepsi

A coworker was talking about another coworker and said that he likes Pepsi, but he really loves Coke. She said that is a common Filipino expression. I found it to be a clever way of expressing what can be a confusing concept. Anyone want to guess what it means?

New Car Fever

While my car was getting its routine maintenance, I went car shopping. All of the dealers are on the same street, so that makes it easier to shop, not to say that car buying is ever easy.

I test drove the Mazda Miata, Mazda RX-8 and Nissan 350Z. With the temperature at 102, I couldn't stand to look at any more cars or meet any more salesmen. (Why do the cars have to be outside?) The Miata was so small that I felt a little uneasy surrounded by the SUVs on the road. The RX-8 was bigger and sporty enough for my taste, but both cars have what I consider to be a fatal flaw. There is no spare tire, just a tire repair kit.

Having no spare tire scares the hell out of me. It wasn't that long ago that I was driving home around midnight when one of my tires shredded to pieces. A tire repair kit would be worthless in that circumstance and I have no idea what I would do. You can't buy tires in the middle of the night and I hate to think of having my car towed someplace and then waiting in the parking lot all night until the store opened. And, if I really wanted to go home and come back the next day, how would I do that? No spare tire is a deal-breaker to otherwise nice cars.

The Nissan 350Z was a souped-up, loaded version that was a couple of years old. New, there is no way that I would spend that kind of money for a car, but used, it was highly affordable. It was one hot car, both literally and figuratively. I drove it with the top down and remembered what it felt like when I had my Porsche 914 in my youth. But this car, unlike the 914, had more power than I knew what to do with. I got such a rush.

What I didn't like about the car was the manual transmission. I can drive a stick, but I prefer to be lazy and drive an automatic. After the drive, my clutch foot ached a bit. The seats were also a little hard. None of those things are real deal-breakers, though.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. When I get around to it, I suppose that I'll look at some more cars, unless the Z car calls out to me. What's that? I think I hear it calling my name right now.

Missing Magic Mountain

Magic Mountain wants to sell their amusement park. It's unknown if a new buyer would keep the park open or develop the land into new homes. The land has become so valuable that the greatest profit, at least short term, would come from razing the park for houses.

I would hate to see that happen. The park opened when I was 15 and every boyfriend I've ever had has taken me there. My parents used to joke that it was a deal-breaker for me if a boyfriend wouldn't ride the coasters.

At first the rides were modest, not much better than carnival rides, but the park was built on vast acres of rolling land. I liked the park just for the landscaping, before the good rides were built. With time, the world-class rides appeared. Magic Mountain's reputation is based upon having the tallest, fastest, twistiest, puke-inducing rides.

As the rides have become more challenging to ride, I've grown older and less able to withstand the assault. Boney prominences will be banged up, bruises are likely and skin tears a possibility. While on the rides, I feel no pain. That comes later. I pre-medicate with anti-inflammatories, but that has its limitations. On the older rides with the less advanced restraint systems, my neck and/or back will likely be injured. The G forces on one ride once caused me to briefly faint, but I was securely strapped in and just rode limply.

So, what's the pay-off? One hell of an adrenaline rush and an escape from my troubles. It's not everyday that you get to soar upside down, with your feet dangling in the air, down a track so steep that it feels like free-fall. A few minor injuries are a small price to pay for the rush.

Magic Mountain wants to sell because they say they wanted a family amusement park, but mostly what they get are teenagers. The teens can be unruly, I suppose, but their security guards do a good job of keeping things under control. It's been at least 10 years since anyone was stabbed to death there. The last riot that originated at the park must have been about 20 years ago. It's safer than the rest of LA, certainly no worse.

And why are they surprised that mostly teens visit the park? Killer coasters don't attract families. If they wanted families, then they should have built Disneyland-style couch potato rides.

Magic Mountain is not hurting for business. The place is always jammed to capacity. I don't believe the "wrong kind of crowd" excuse for selling the park. They got exactly the kind of crowd that their rides are aimed for. I think that they just want to make a small fortune by selling the land.

I need to hurry up and get another visit under my belt while I still can. Are you game, Scott?

Strawberry Blonde Concussion

The six pound bag of individually frozen strawberries was not individually frozen. It was a solid six pound strawberry rock. I needed some loose berries to make a smoothy, so I tried to pry some loose. No luck. I tapped the bag on the counter. No luck. I slammed the bag down on the counter. No luck. Soon I was beating the bag against the floor, swinging the bag over my head, harder and harder, like a pick-axe.

Who knows how these things happen. Somehow I hit myself in the head with the strawberries. Owwwww! Who knew that in addition to being a tasty snack, strawberries are also a deadly weapon?

Fireworks And Leather Restraints

This was the view of the fireworks at work. There must have been a hundred different sites across the Valley where fireworks were shooting up from.

Most of the photos turned out like the ones below. They're interesting so I posted them, but that is not what the fireworks looked like. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

My fireworks viewing ended early because I received a patient from ER in 4 point leather restraints. He was celebrating the holiday with alcohol and tranquilizers and it didn't agree with him. The paramedics had been called and they had scooped him off the floor at home and brought him in. Once here, he became combative and attacked a security guard.

ER doped him up and sent him to us. Security unlocked his restraints and deposited him with us. I can't tell you how thrilled I was. He seemed to be completely oriented and cooperative, so I didn't feel that I could properly restrain him, but it made me nervous not to. I just cautiously watched him and tried not to irritate him. He was good for me; I hope that the next shift does okay with him.

The supervisor came up later and wanted to know why ER had placed him in leather restraints. I said that it was because he had assaulted a security guard. That seemed like a good reason to me, but she just scrunched up her face like she didn't understand. She thought that I had said that the security guard had been insulted instead of assaulted. I decided to play along and told her that we are thin-skinned here and that we routinely put patients and their families in leather restraints if they insult us. I was kidding, but wouldn't it be nice if we could really do that?

Puddles Of Piddle

I worked tonight, so I can't be sure what transpired in my absence, but one thing I'm sure of, it must have been bad. There are puddles and trails of piddle all over the carpet. It looks like all three dogs were running in circles while peeing. The last time I remember seeing anything like that was after the earthquake.

I suspect the new neighbors. Last night they were playing with sparklers. Maybe tonight they advanced to fireworks.

I wish that people would leave fireworks to the pro's. Fireworks are illegal here for a reason. They're dangerous. The hillsides here are covered in dry brush and all it would take is one spark to start a conflagration. My house is surrounded by trees. If they caught one of my trees on fire, my house would catch fire too. The hospitals also become filled with people suffering from fireworks injuries which increases my work load. And number one on my list, it scares pets.

I wish that I could stay home on the fourth to protect and comfort my dogs, but that's not possible. People insist on getting sick even on holidays. Maybe I could give them some tranquilizers to keep them calm and maybe sleep through it. After I'm done drugging the neighbors, then the dogs will be happy. You don't think that I would drug my dogs do you?

Rooster Food And Kleenex

While grocery shopping in Ireland, we kept seeing big bags of rooster food. All shops sold it, even in cities. And, yet, despite all of the rooster food, we never saw or heard a rooster. I was starting to wonder if Irish people ate rooster food. It turned out that they did. Rooster is a variety of potato.

They also have unusually large Kleenex. I'm not sure why. We used it for napkins.

Man Surveyor

In the chart, the patient's occupation was listed as "man surveyer." That sounds like an interesting job. I wonder what it pays.

Oh, you don't suppose that they meant to write map surveyor?

Auto Angst

I found this car parked on my street. I don't feel quite this way about my car, but I'm thinking that it might be time to buy a new one. It has almost 85,000 miles on it and the engine is starting to sound a little different, louder and more high pitched. My instincts are telling me to dump it while the dumping is good.

The problem is, I have no idea what I want. Well, I know what I want, but as far as what I can have, nothing interests me. I need a practical car that I can fill with dogs, lumber and manure. A little sports car is what I want, but it just wouldn't work for that, unless, I kept my car for those times when I need a practical car and the rest of the time drove a sports car. But that would be too extravagant and I'm not sure that my depression-era parents would understand. (Just so that we get this out of the way, yes, I'm fifty and still worry about what my parents think.)

I know that men sometimes go through a mid-life crisis and end up with a red sports car and a young blonde second wife, but I don't think that's my problem. I'm just so tired of driving a stinky dogmobile. It would just be nice to have a car that is fun to drive and to have one thing that's not filthy and covered in dog. (Although, the odds are good that I would want to take my babies for a ride in the sports car.)

Dog Obstructions

Why is it that dogs like to lie in doorways?

Punctuation And Drunk Drivers

For the Fourth of July weekend, the freeway signs have been lit up with the following message:

Report
Drunk Drivers
Call 911

Maybe because it's late at night when I see those signs and I'm tired, plus the ever-present blonde hair color issues, but I couldn't figure out why they thought that drunk drivers would call 911. Not that I drive drunk, but if I was drunk, the last thing I would do is call the cops.

I was reading it as "Report: Drunk drivers call 911." It makes much more sense when read as "Report drunk drivers, call 911." A little bit of punctuation can entirely change the meaning of a sentence.

Fish Sisters

This is Murphy being introduced to his new fish sisters, Judy, Debbie and Sosamma. They are now in the murky, green pond and it will probably be weeks before I see them again. That's not entirely a bad thing. If I can't see them, then predators can't see them either.

I'm not good at keeping fish alive and the survivors tend to disappear. If one of them survives one year, then I will consider that to be a success.

Five Dogs And A Cat

Five dogs and a cat go for a drive. And I thought that I was crazy.