Important Facts

Eewwwwwwwwwwww

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY... and wash your damn hands!!!!!

(Thanks, Candy)

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George
Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.

Ever Wonder Why Dogs Bite? (Part 2)

You are ruining what self-esteem I have left.
If I had hands I'd strangle you.
Very Funny. You come up with that yourself?
You're going to embalm me when I'm dead aren't you.
Look, I'm barely a dog. I have enough issues without you dressing me up as a cheetah.
What is wrong with you? Seriously. Did you not get enough love as a child? Is your life so devoid of meaning that you think dressing me as a flower is a form of caring? I hope the house gets burgled tonight.
And I thought the bunny suit was bad. What am I now? A dogglebee? Please stop. Please.

I give you everything that I have to give and you still wish I was a Dalmation.

Shifting Winds

This was today's view of the fire taken from work. It was about 100 degrees without a cloud in the sky. The white stuff in the sky is all smoke.

The wind shifted and smoke choked the San Fernando Valley. This picture was taken around 5 pm when the sun should have been shining and the sky blue. My head was throbbing despite 5 Advil and my eyes and throat were burning and it still aches when I breathe. And, this was inside the hospital. Our ventilation system sucks in the bad air from outside.

It seems like every channel on TV has Fire Watch. It's non-stop coverage of the fire. I'm glad that they're talking about the thousands of homes that have been saved instead of lost. I hope that doesn't change. My friends are still stuck in their hotel room hoping for the best.

It seems like every little old lady in the San Fernando Valley fell and broke her hip today. We are bursting at the seams. All I really wanted to do was get in my car and start driving and not stop until I found some clean air.

We were so busy that I couldn't get a break, so for dinner I had cookies and chocolate cake provided by patients. I ran out of chocolate two days ago, so the chocolate cake helped with the chocolate withdrawal I've been experiencing.

Tomorrow is a shopping day. I need a new hose, pond pump, groceries and, most of all, chocolate.

Bank Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank." "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Line Of Fire

This was the view from work tonight. The west end of the San Fernando Valley is on fire. My oldest friends who live in Bell Canyon have been evacuated.

Over 700 firefighters are battling the fire and despite the extreme danger, water drops are being made at night. With the fire only 5 percent contained, no one knows what will happen tonight. We can only wait.

We hear so much about sports heroes and other such nonsense. The real heroes are in the west San Fernando Valley tonight defending lives and property.

Fondled by a Coworker

It happened again. While talking to a nurse manager, she reached out and put her hand on my waist. Her hand then slid down to my hip bone, which she then palpated. The entire time she looked me in the eyes and talked as though nothing odd was going on.

She is not the only one who does this. I don't know if it's some weird cultural thing that Americans just don't understand or if there is something about me that makes Filipinos want to reach out and grab my hip bones. There is nothing erotic about these encounters and they happen in full view of everyone.

I'm thin, but not emaciated. There's no cause for alarm on their part. Are they just curious about what's underneath the baggy scrubs? I don't think that they're all gay.

I could put an end to it very quickly, but I don't think it's worth raising a fuss over. It's so odd. I just want to understand it.

Ever Wonder Why Dogs Bite? (Part 1)

As you are mentally off, I'll cut you some slack.
Though I have provided all the evidence in the world, perhaps I should take this time to state a certain fact explicitly. I am a dog. I am NOT a CHILD.
Please Remind me why I'm supposed to love you?
If you wanted a bunny, why didn't you just buy one?
If you think I won't eat you when you die, you're dead wrong.

As if it wasn't hard enough being called anorexic all the time, now you dress me up as an old drunken hooker.
If the choice is between prison and playing dress up with you, I choose prison.
When I say "woof," I mean "I hate you."

You see, my fur keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me.

Heroin And Other Stuff

A heroin addict has been our guest for about a week. The funny thing is, he's terrified of needles. He needs an antibiotic shot everyday and beforehand he has to be premedicated with morphine. For someone who is covered with morphine tracks, his fear is most unusual. What's especially strange is that the morphine is administered by injection. So, he wants a shot before his shot. *gasp* You don't suppose he's drug seeking do you?

Another patient came in for a broken arm and now his digestive tract has stopped working. For unknown reasons, peristalsis has just come to a grinding halt. We now have a tube going down his nose and into his stomach so that we can suction the juices that collect and can go no further down the digestive tract. Without the tube, he can't stop vomiting. But now, the juices that we're suctioning up look and smell like poop. When poop backs up into the stomach, that's really bad. At least he's not vomiting the poop. When that happens, I want to vomit too.

Lastly, the patient with the dirty, girly bits has a bladder that exceeds the capacity of our bedpans. The result is that evertime she pees, we have a flood. Ever try changing the linens for a bedbound, morbidly obese, smelly patient with a new hip? I got the pleasure several times.

So, how was everyone else's evening? See any good shows on TV?

Women You'd Love To See Fat

J Lo

Julia Roberts

Sandra Bullock

Elizabeth Hurley

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Gwyneth Paltrow

(Thanks, Sarah)

Dirty Girly Bits

One of my patients had her hip replaced today. Maybe it's just me, but I would really want to bathe before surgery. Heck, I bathe everyday, but right before surgery seems especially important, at least to me. So, what was wrong with my patient?

She needed to be put on a bedpan and when she spread her legs apart, I nearly keeled over. Keep in mind, I have chronically congested sinuses and can't smell anything unless it is overpowering to everyone else.

I'm wondering how the surgeon was able to stand it. Operating on the hip brought the surgeon perilously close to her dirty girly bits. Maybe the surgical mask helped, but I suspect that he finished the surgery in record time.

Doggy-Style Nursing

I sure do spend a lot of my time on my hands and kneels crawling under beds. No, I'm not praying, hiding or cleaning. I'm just trying to reach the electrical outlets. The genius who designed this hospital put the electrical outlets near the floor behind the beds. So, often with visitors watching, I have to get down like a dog and shimmy under the bed with my bottom in the air.

Cynic that I am, I suspect that the outlets have never been moved higher because gentleman enjoy the show. I can't imagine what it was like when nurses wore short skirts.

Green Things On Crackers

This is what I had for dinner tonight. The Filipinas were horrified. Finally, it's payback time.

A Typical Date

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says"Wha...aaat?""Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Lump in the Road

I was stopped at this intersection waiting for the light to change. That's my hospital in the background and that's a liquor store on the corner. A big firetruck pulled into the intersection and stopped. Doors opened and firefighters hopped out. Casually, they walked over to a lump lying in the gutter next to the liquor store. It was a person. I hadn't noticed him lying there.

One of the men nudged him with his toe and then his gloved hand. Then they grabbed him, lifted him up and tried to get him to walk on rubbery legs. He appeared to be fine, just drunk. The light turned green and I left. I wonder which hospital they took him to?

Exoskeleton Cake

Company was due in about an hour. I wanted to get a spice cake into the oven before they arrived. I had just finished beating the butter, sugar and eggs. It was time to add flour, but opening the bag, I was dismayed to discover that the flour was covered with hollow insect shells. I didn't have any other bags of flour lying around and the clock was ticking. I couldn't possibly get to the store and back in time and I needed dessert.

So, what did I do? I scraped off the first couple of inches of flour and used the flour near the bottom of the bag. Most of the exoskeletons were removed, but I can't be sure if I got them all. I figured it was harmless to eat, we probably get stuff like that in our food all of the time and I was going to eat it too, so it was okay to serve it.

This event is not unprecedented. I once made some soup with dried vegetables that when rehydrated, little rehydrated worms appeared also. Company was coming soon and there wasn't time to make something else. So, I skimmed out the worms and serve the soup. I ate it too.

Now that everyone knows what I'm capable of, I'll probably have no more guests for dinner. (I think that I would do okay on Survivor, though.)

A Man To Do A Man's Job

In previous posts I mentioned that my TV and garbage disposal were broken. The TV only got NBC and the picture was frozen on a picture of Jay Leno while the sound was in real time. The problem with the garbage disposal was that it was dead. Turning the switch on was met with silence.

Everything has been fixed. All it took was a man and all it cost me was dinner.

The man unplugged all of the equipment connecting to the TV and plugged it back in. Now the TV works perfectly. (Now I'm going to have to think of a new excuse to buy a big screen TV.)

Next, the man hit a re-set button on the garbage disposal. (I didn't know such things existed.) It came to life, but was jammed. He reached in and pulled out a rock. It now works fine.

I saved the receipt for the garbage disposal, so now I can return it and get my $150 back. I'm way ahead now. My TV works, my garbage disposal works and I'm $150 richer. All it took was a man.

Better Late Than Never

My parents recently celebrated their sixtieth wedding anniversary. I wrote a post on the subject, but after publishing it, I realized that something was missing. There needed to be a current picture of my parents. So, I got a picture today and am posting it. Better late than never.

Just For Dave

Sarah dyed her hair red recently and Dave commented that he would like to see a picture. So, here are a couple of shots. I sure wish that I looked that good when puttering around the house . No wonder that every boyfriend Sarah has ever had hangs around her house.

I Got A Face Lift

Well, not literally a face lift, but Lisa from Design-A-Blog redesigned my blog. I absolutely love it. Lisa and I are blogging friends, but have never met in person. Despite that, she managed to capture my personality perfectly in the concept and design. I expect, no, I'm demanding complements on the new design. :)

Thank you, Lisa.

I Really Don't Hate Lawyers

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So, a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you do not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbles, "Uh.... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way representative begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly," did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities that require an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So.... if I don't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

Kitchen Orchids

This is a repeat blooming orchid with three stocks. At least I'm doing something right.

Kindergarten Rewards

A new bulletin board mysteriously appeared at work. No one has said anything about it, but it can't be good. My guess is that they expect us to write notes of appreciation to our coworkers and post it on the board. Or maybe management will write the notes. Either way, I don't like the looks of this.

There is a problem with staff feeling unappreciated, so management comes up with these ideas that come straight out of kindergarten. The previous board was a tree trunk to which we were supposed to attach green paper leaves on which we wrote nice notes to our coworkers.

I really don't care for seeing my name and maybe picture on a board with the equivalent of a gold star next to it. It feels demeaning. I'm not five years old.

I would be happy with someone just telling me that I'm doing a good job. Just please, skip the gold stars.

Caught in Bed Together

Ever since labor and management formed a partnership and began making all decisions jointly, there has been grumbling about them being too cozy. With our five year union contract about to be voted on, we've all noticed that the union and management have been completely silent. This is most unusual. Contract time is normally a time of war. Because of the unusual silence, there has been much speculation that labor and management are in bed together.

Now we have proof that we were right. Everyone is in bed together as evidenced by the picture at left. See their surprised faces at being caught in the act? (At least my employer has a sense of humor. They've heard the rumors too.)

Pit Warmer

Do you see that syringe under my arm? I often walk around like that. That's what I do when I forget to remove the syringes from the refridgerator.

Most of our antibiotics come in syringes that we push directly into people's IV lines. They are refridgerated, but need to be at room temperature, or better, when administered. That takes planning ahead. When I forget, my arm pits work just as well. It just looks a little strange. (I've tried stuffing them in my bra, but that looks especially weird, plus they just fall out.)

It's Always Pancit

Management was happy with us for some unknown reason and gave us $20 to buy something for dinner. So, what did we buy? Pancit, of course. It's always pancit.

I wish that I could blame the pancit, but I only have myself to blame. Reading and walking at the same time was not one of my better ideas. I walked into a door. The impact jammed the metal clipboard into my rib cage, causing pain now whenever I feel the need to breathe.

But that's nothing compared to last night's ordeal. At the beginning of the shift we were suddenly plunged into total darkness, except for the bright sunshine pouring through the windows. We had to endure the crisis for five, maybe six seconds until the generator kicked in. I don't know how many more catastrophic power outages like this we can stand. We all have our limits. But one thing went right. The hospital only caught on fire once tonight.

(Dr. N., best wishes at your new job. We will all miss you. Please come visit if you're in town and whatever you do, don't go to law school. Repeat after me. Medicine good. Law bad. :) )

The Elderly Spinster

(My brother sent me another one.)

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office. "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?," the elderly woman asked. The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" "I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank," she replied. "Tell me just how you would like the $40,000 to be distributed," the lawyer asked."Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on," said the woman. "I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you," the lawyer exclaimed. "But I need to know what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married and the fact is I've never slept with a man. So before I die, I'd like you to use the $5, 000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out, so she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the county bury her."

Jay Leno is Stalking Me

Every time I turn on the TV, Jay Leno is there staring back at me. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is, he's always there. He never blinks or otherwise moves a muscle. He's just frozen.

I don't have anything against Jay Leno, but enough is enough. Changing channels doesn't help either. All I get is static on the other channels. It's either a frozen still shot of Jay Leno or nothing at all.

Sound is a different matter. It's NBC in real time. So, right now, I'm watching Leno, but listening to Conan O'Brien.

I never thought that TV's would become too complicated for me to understand how to operate them.

Mystery Loaf

I found this brown stuff in the kitchen at work. I didn't know what it was or where it came from. All I knew was that it had been left behind by the previous shift. At first I ignored it, but then hunger set in.

Bravely, I took a bite, fully prepared to spit it out quickly should that prove necessary. It was chocolate raisin bread. Not bad. Not bad at all. Some risks pay off. I was luckythis time.

Perfect Pear

I grew this pear and I'm so proud of it. It's perfect in every way except for one, taste. I haven't tried it yet, but in past years they have all tasted like raw potatoes.

As they ripen, they turn a lovely shade of yellow with a peach blush.

When a pear is so pretty, does it really matter what it tastes like? (Only if you plan to eat it.)

Dog Obstacles

Walking up and down the stairs in my house is a challenge. There are always piles of dogs to get by. If they're not on the middle landing, then they're at the top, all piled together. Since the dogs like the landings so much, I put dog beds on each one. The dogs might as well be comfortable while they block my path.

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Disaster Written All Over It

My garbage disposal broke, so I bought a new one. That was the easy part. It's the installation part that scares me.

I'm not handy, but I try really hard. My last plumbing project was the replacement of a bathroom sink and faucet. The sink turned out okay, but after several days of trying to connect the plumbing, I finally had to call a plumber.

Wish me good luck. I may be without a kitchen sink for a few days if things go badly. (Where is a man when you need one?)

Corny Jokes

My brother sent this to me. It's a little off-color and corny. Sorry, but I couldn't resist.

Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.

Q. What should a woman say to a man she has just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

Q. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.

Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A. It isn't hard.

L.A.'s Tsunami

Hollywood Power Outage Sends City Into Chaos

No electricity for 26 minutes. 'This is our Tsunami.'

By Joshua Gates. Actor, Photographer. Victim.

LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005: Horror and disbelief swept through the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a minor power-outage turned the city into a virtual war zone, and local residents struggled to deal with the devastating aftermath.

The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy afternoon coffee and Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes and many businesses were illuminated only by the light of the sun and its blistering 78 degree heat. "It was horrible," said out of work actor and voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a Jamba Juice on Melrose when it, hit and the blenders simply shut down. A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after that, well, it got pretty ugly."

In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcasted conflicting reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief supplies. Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee and a totally meager selection of baked goods. "My mother is 83 years old, and we heard on the radio that this Starbucks was going to be up and running. If she doesn't get a venti Arabian Mocha Sanani, I don't know what's going to happen to her; I really don't." said Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz. To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners on site. "Sugar in the Raw? Are you friggin' kidding me?" sobbed local homosexual and avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South Beach Diet, and my insulin levels are going to go crazy if I use this. Why isn't the rest of the country doing something?"

Deteriorating conditions will force authorities to evacuate the thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters and upscale shopping centers, including The Beverly Center, where a policeman told CNN that unrest was escalating. The officer expressed concern that the situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced multiple "So You Think you Can Dance" posters, looted a Baby Gap and demanded free makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.

At least 2,000 refugees, a majority of them beautiful, will travel in a bus convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelettes with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was being airlifted in by The National Guard. Thank heavens.

Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a group of embedded reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont that, "The scope and scale of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local carwashes are at a stand-still, the tram tour at Universal Studios has been on hold for almost an
hour now, and I've been waiting for a rotisserie leg and thigh with a side of green beans for upwards of 15 minutes. This truly is our Tsunami."

"We want to accommodate those people suffering in The Beverly Center as quickly as possible for the simple reason that they have been through a horrible ordeal," Grant said.

"We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb bread," said Martha Owens, 49, who was one of the thousands trapped in The Beverly Center when the escalators stopped moving. "They need to start sending somebody through here."

Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers to lose upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing DirecTV service to work only intermittently and forcing local residents to walk outside and look helplessly at the breathtaking Pacific from their ocean view decks. "I can hardly begin to put this experience into words," said seasoned Two and a Half Men writer John Edlestein . "I was just getting into my rhythm and making some real headway on a scene where Charlie Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball players, when my Power Book crapped out. I have nothing. Simply, nothing."

Delivering his weekly radio address live from the White House, President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims and praised relief workers.

"But despite their best efforts, the magnitude of responding to a crisis over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created tremendous problems," he said. "The result is that many of our citizens simply are not getting the help they need, especially in the Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable."

"Southern Californians are resilient though. I have no doubt they will bounce back like this never happened," professed Cellulite Reduction Specialist, Kim Bellevue. "The therapy sessions could reach an all time high though."

(Thanks, Sarah. It's amazing we survived.)

Since When Do Chili Dogs Have Tails?

There was a chili dog at work sitting unattended on the kitchen counter. What was odd was the tail sticking out of it. My coworkers eat unusual foods, but I couldn't imagine that even they would put a rat on a bun and cover it with chili.

Taking a closer look, I saw that the tail was a stick. My curiosity got the better of me, so I grabbed a plastic spoon and did some excavating. It was a corn Dog on a bun covered with chili.

I've never heard of that before. Are ordinary chili dogs not high enough in calories and fat? Well, at least it wasn't a rat.

Devil in a Red Dress, Revisited

In an earlier post, Devil in a Red Dress, I described my encounter with a psycho registry nurse. To make sure that he didn't come back and terrorize us some more, I had planned on notifying the proper people, but I became sick before I could do that. So, two days after his first appearance, he was back. This time I was home sick and didn't have to deal with him. The charge nurse that night got the honor and she ended up in a knock-down- drag-out fight with him, figuratively speaking. When I saw the other charge nurse tonight, she was still spitting mad.

She had the paper work to ban him, so we filled it out and she turned it in. I guess it's no big surprise that they had a stack of complaints against him. Apparently, he makes "friends" everywhere he goes. Anyway, he won't be back. ( Didn't I say that before?)

For his last appearance, he wore a knee length Hawaiian mumu with slacks. No one remembers what colors he wore. ( What's wrong with my coworkers? Don't they know how important that is to me and my blog? )

Would You Eat This?

A coworker eats these things everyday. I don't even want to think about what these look like.

Irony and a Bubbly Elevator

The widow was attending the funeral of her husband who had died from complications of a broken hip. At the funeral she tripped and fell, breaking her hip. She's our patient now. The patient has severe dementia which prevents her from appreciating the irony. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Also tonight, a visitor asked me for directions to the bubbly elevator. Since we don't have any elevators that are bubbly, I was confused by his request. I asked him to repeat himself twice. I was staring at him blankly when it occurred to me that he might be saying public elevator. Yes, it turned out that was what he wanted. Perhaps it's time to get my hearing checked.

Perfect Purple Apparel

It's a little old-fashioned, but aren't ladies supposed to wear matching shoes and gloves? That's what I wore today. My shoes and gloves were both lavender. Or, am I confused and it's a matching belt and shoes? My blue tool belt matched my socks. Does that count?

My favorite part of my outfit was the blonde dog fur stuck to my purple pants. It matched my hair perfectly. My top was lavender, purple and blue, tying all of the colors together.

I always like for my outfits to be color coordinated, even if I'm only dealing with a tool belt, tennis shoes and dog fur.

Silly Stats

I've been playing with my new Statcounter. There are so many interesting tidbits of information about my visitors. What amazes me the most is how little time most people spend at my site. About 90% of visitors stay less than 5 seconds. I figure that's just about enough time to read the name of my blog, see my picture and then hit the return arrow.

Less than 5 seconds? Maybe I need to get a new picture. Would it help if I wore a bikini? Or what if I changed the name of my blog to "Naughty Melissa"? Or, how about "Without Panties"? That was the key phrase that one visitor was looking for when he visited my site. Oh shoot, I just said it again. Now he's going to be back. :)

Blonde Again

My hair is blonde again. No, I didn't color it. I washed it! Having been sick this week, I didn't bathe for three days. ( I just didn't feel like it.) It's amazing how fast blonde hair turns dark when it's not washed. I also smell better now, not that the dogs really care. Stinky is just fine with them. In fact, I think they prefer it.

Things are returning to normal at work, too. Our water and ice machine has finally been fixed. For the the last 18 days, we've had to hike 20 miles through snow uphill, both ways, to get water and ice. ( Okay, I'm exaggerating. There wasn't any snow.)

We also ordered food because it's Saturday. This time we ordered from Brent's Delicatessen. I got healthy mushroom barley soup and chocolate cake just because I felt like being bad. The cake was 4 inches thick and 9 inches high. ( Yes, I measured it. ) It was so good that I wanted to roll in it. I wasn't able to finish it, though. I was still full from all of the little Snickers bars I ate before dinner.

Oh, I almost forgot. The hospital caught on fire three times tonight, or, at least that's how many times the fire alarm went off. So, things are pretty much back to normal.

Wet Dog

This why I have slipcovers on the furniture and decorate in dirt colors.

In The Dark

Electricity is just about the greatest thing there is. Last night, when the lights went out I had a lot of time to contemplate this.

I lit 10 candles, but it was still way too dark for my taste. Lit up like a grocery store is more to my liking.

There wasn't much to do. It was too dark to read and of course, the computer, TV and stereo were useless. I just sat in semi-darkness listening to the clock tick.

I don't know how people used to be able to stand not having electricity. Of course, they didn't know what they were missing, but still, the evenings must have felt like they dragged on forever.

After about an hour, I decided that I'd had enough and went to bed even though I wasn't sleepy. I took a pill to knock myself out and 10 minutes later, the lights went back on. I jumped out of bed and rushed to the computer to work before the pill took effect, but it was too late. By the time I got the computer powered up, I had turned into a zombie and had to go back to bed. So, that was my evening.

World Peace is Tough

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the American's other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes."

World peace is tough!

60 Years of Marriage

This is my mother at the age of eighteen.

My mother was a senior in high school in Pomona when she was asked to pose on the wing of a bomber at nearby Ontario Army-Air Base. The picture was published in a local newspaper in 1944.

This is my father, the dashing fighter pilot, posed on the wing of his fighter jet.

My father grew up in a small agricultural town in Idaho. His father was either the town judge, district attorney or just a practicing attorney depending on how the last election went. Dad was the seventh of eight children and was born when his mom, a former teacher was 45.

Dad wanted to go to college, but it was the Great Depression and financially that was out of the question, so he ended up joining the military. It was his only real hope for having any kind of a decent future.

He was on a ship off the Aleutian Islands when Pearl Harbor was bombed. A few months later, he became a fighter pilot. After finishing his tour of duty in the Pacific, he was transferred to Ontario Army-Air Base in California. It is there that he met my mother at a dance.

My mother's parent's divorced when she was a baby. She and her mom, who was only 19 at the time, lived with mom's grandparents on their orange ranch in Pomona. Eventually her mom remarried and they moved to Big Bear, where they owned the only grocery store in town. After a Safeway came to town, their store went out of business and they moved back to Pomona.

Mom was interested in becoming an actress or fashion designer, but meeting my father at the age of 18 changed all of that.

Mom was the prettiest girl dad had ever seen. She looked nothing like the Idaho farm girls back home. He swept her off her feet and a year later they were married.

September 15, 1945

(I got married in the same dress, but it didn't bring me the same luck.)

My father was a career Air Force pilot and flew in two more wars. Life wasn't always easy. My parents had three children and moved frequently. My dad was often gone for long periods of time, so my mom had to be strong to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. It takes a very special woman to be a military wife. My mom is not only beautiful and sweet natured, but strong as steel.

After my dad retired, he went to law school and became a lawyer like his dad. Eventually, I followed in my dad's footsteps and became a third generation lawyer.

I admire my parent's commitment to each other. Sixty years of marriage is quite an accomplishment. And, my parents still cuddle and talk baby talk to each other when they think that no one is looking.

Creative Diagnosing

Don't get me wrong, my mother and I get along great, but I really wished that when the phone rang, I hadn't answered it. It was my mother. The problem was that I didn't want her to know that I'm sick. She had been hoping to talk to my machine and so was surprised that I wasn't at work. Of course she wanted to know what was wrong and lacking the time to think of a lie, I said that I wasn't feeling well.

I knew where this conversation was going to go. So, what's the first thing that came to her mind? I bet you could never guess. She was worried that I may have eaten a rabid Filipino dog. (She thinks that I might eat a dog?!!!) The next illness on her list was West Nile virus. The conversation continued along these lines.

Lacking originality, I was thinking that I had some kind of flu-like illness. I have to give my mother credit for creativity, though. Where does she come up with this stuff?

Rose Petal Tea, Tamarind and Sky Flakes

Last night at the end of my shift, my entire body ached, my head was throbbing and I was feeling light-headed. I figured that it was the result of stress and going another night without dinner. This morning, I didn't wake up until nearly noon and felt even worse.

I really hate to call in sick, but I felt that was what I had to do, because I really am sick. It even hurts to breathe. Maybe last night's snack of rose petal tea, tamarind and sky flakes (don't ask) had something to do with it, but the bathroom is now my favorite room in the house. Maybe I would have gotten sick anyway, but I suspect that being worn into the ground the last couple of days had something to do with it. No wonder there's a nursing shortage.

Even though I'm miserable, at least the dogs are happy. I've been getting kisses all day by happy, bouncing dogs. If only people were more like dogs.

Devil in a Red Dress

I didn't care that the registry nurse was wearing a red dress with burgundy pants, feminine, silly jewelry, heavy perfume or bows on his shoes. I did care that he was a jerk. I'm easy going and generally get along with everybody. Within 10 minutes of the start of the shift, we got into a fight.

I assigned him a discharge. After looking at the chart, he said that the doctor didn't completely fill out one of the forms. Thinking that he was asking me what to do, I said that he could either finish filling out the form or call the doctor and ask him to do it. In a loud obstinate voice, he said, "I won't do it." Thinking that he didn't want my help, I said that I wasn't telling him what to do and that he could just handle it himself. His response was to yell, "I won't do it." I asked what he meant by that and he just yelled again, "I won't do it."

The day shift nurse cursed, grabbed the chart, filled out the form and discharged the patient herself. For the rest of the evening, whenever he figured that I was within earshot, he would say, "I'm never working here again. All I needed was guidance." I ignored him, but he doesn't have to worry about working here ever again. He won't be asked. Trust me.

Cat Wrestling

I can't tell who's winning. Can you?

(Thanks, Sarah)

Bad Omen

I don't believe in omens, but that doesn't stop me from looking for them. Today is not starting out right. I wanted to sit on the patio this morning, read the newspaper and drink tea. What stopped me was rat droppings on three chairs and the table.

I'm so tempted to call in sick. I'm still exhausted from last night and am not thinking clearly, but I hate to waste a sick day on a feeling cruddy day. If I stay home, I'll still feel cruddy. I might as well go to work and feel cruddy there. I would rather save my sick days for when I can enjoy them.

Do I Look Like Betty?

I walked into a room to answer a call light. The patient gasped, grabbed my hand and started to tear up. She began saying, "You're here. I can't believe you're here." I just smiled while wondering why she was so glad to see me. The call light hadn't been on that long. Then she asked, "What are you doing here?" I said that I was answering the call light. Suddenly, her face dropped and she said, "You're not Betty?" The confusion was cleared up, but I sure hope that Betty comes to visit. It would make her so happy and I would like to see what she thinks I look like.

Why Didn't I Call In Sick?

Today would have been a good day to call in sick. I just wish that I could have known that ahead of time. I never got dinner. I never got a break. I only went to the bathroom once. I'm feeling irritable and woozy, so I'm going to cuddle with my dogs and go to bed. Goodnight.

Bush Vacation

Stare Into My Eyes

Thanks, Sarah

If I Find Who is Responsible...

These tomatoes are two feet off the ground. I've had a bad crop this year anyway, but the few tomatoes I've gotten look like this.