Water Heater Scam Artist

The water heater repair guy showed up early, so I had to deal with him while wearing nothing but a bathrobe. I was sleepy and disheveled, but not as stupid as he hoped.

I explained that the pilot light went out because it got hit with the hose and I needed him to light it for me. He looked at the tank and said he thought there was a leak because it was damp inside and would probably need replacing. Patiently, I explained again that the hose got it.

He said that there was rust. I said that this wasn't the first time it's been hosed off. The rust was probably from prior occasions.

I told him that the heater is only a couple of years old and was bone dry before I hosed out the garage.

He then changed tactics. He tried to light it without success and said that some part needed replacing and that because the heater wasn't up to code, he would have to fix that too.

He called the main office for an estimate. How bizarre is that? I've dealt with plenty of repair people and they have never had any trouble giving an estimate on the spot. I suspect he called to say that the customer was a half-naked, ditsy looking blonde and how much did they think he could soak me for.

The estimate was well over three hundred dollars. I said that was too much and that I found it hard to believe that Home Depot, who installed the heater, wouldn't install it to meet code. He told the person on the line what I said and they told him to just collect the service fee and leave. I said fine and went to get my checkbook.

While I was writing the check, the technician lit the pilot light and said, "Don't tell them I did this." Before he left, he repeated three more times how important it was that I not tell his employer that he lit the pilot light. I promised not to tell them. I didn't promise not to tell the rest of the world, though.

I suspected it was a scam, but I wasn't sure until he lit the pilot light. The only problem with the heater was what I knew all along. Water put the fire out and it just needed to be re-lit. Too bad I wasn't coordinated and brave enough to do it myself.

At least I have hot water now. It's not easy being a half-naked, ditsy looking blonde. People think that they can take advantage of you.

A Cold Shower

I had to take a cold shower today. I also had to take one yesterday. We'll see about tomorrow.

What happened is that I decided to wash out the garage. The rat droppings were getting to be a bit much, so I hosed off everything. The area around the water heater was especially bad, so it got special treatment.

It wasn't until the next day when I needed to take a shower before going to work that I noticed there was no hot water. I don't do cold showers, but there was no choice. I took an extremely fast shower while trying not to scream. My hair got rinsed, but shampooing it would have involved more time under the cold water than I could stand.

Psychologically, I couldn't deal with trying to light the pilot light. I was afraid of blowing up the house and most of all, myself. I decided to not worry about it until the next day.

Today was the next day and having had time to prepare myself, I tried to light the pilot. The directions said to hold a button while at the same time inserting a match inside the heater. I was not going to stick my fingers inside that thing, so I got a barbecue lighter with a nice long barrel.

That led to a problem because the lighter takes two hands to keep the flame going and I needed a third hand to keep on the water heater button. Luckily, I have two feet. I had to stand on one foot with my toe on the button and bend down and stick the lighter in the hole.

It would not ignite.

Defeated, I washed my hair in the yard with the hose. The water in the hose was hot from lying in the sun, so I almost finished washing my hair before the water turned cold again. I had three more hot hoses and could have gotten a decent warm hosing off with them, but not wanting to strip outside, I went inside to take a quick cold shower.

The repairman comes tomorrow. I sure hope he can fix it. If he can't, I might become so desperate that I may start bathing outside with the warm hose water. I wonder what the neighbors would think?

The Item

I needed to buy an embarrassing product. I had to go to the drugstore to get it. Although it was the only thing I needed, I bought a bunch of other stuff, too, so the item would be less noticeable. I wanted to buy different types and brands of what I needed, but that might attract too much attention, so I only bought one.

The only check stand open had a man behind the counter, naturally. He scanned all of my purchases without difficulty except for the special item. He kept waving it back and forth and carefully examining it. No matter how many times he waved my item through the air for all to see, it wouldn't scan.

I was expecting him to get on the public address system and ask for a price check or yell to someone across the store to get the price for him. I just looked down and wanted to disappear. Finally, he typed in the numbers on the label and we were done. Why the f*** didn't he do that as soon as it wouldn't scan?

Now I'm starting to understand why people order from drugstores over the Internet.

A Slightly Bigger Door

It didn't seem like that big of a deal to me. The flap of the dog door was torn and needed replacing. I couldn't find just a flap, so I bought a whole new door. Since they had them in extra large, that's what I bought. The old one was just a large and is hard for big dogs to use.

I put in the new door and left for work. When I got home, there were three large puddles and three dumps on the carpet. It never occurred to me that the dogs wouldn't know how to use the new door. Heck, it's just like the old one, only bigger. What's the problem?

Now, I have to train them and shampoo the carpet.

Just a Statue

A Golden Retriever statue has been sitting on the piano ever since Mackenzie arrived. Deciding to get rid of some of the clutter in the living room, I picked it up and moved it to the kitchen. I never get rid of clutter, I just move it around.

While I was carrying it, MacKenzie started jumping up and down trying to get it. I set it down on the floor and while wagging her tail enthusiastically, she started sniffing it. Disappointed or perhaps to her relief, she discovered it wasn't a real dog.

I wonder if all this time she has been looking at the dog on the piano thinking it was real.

Mystic Nurse

Patrick D. Colwell RN asked me to review his book, Mystic Nurse: Four Years in the ER. If you enjoy nursing stories, and I do, this is a good book for you. During the week I was reading it, I was suffering from sleep deprivation. Normally, I read before going to sleep, but this book kept me awake. I couldn't put it down.

Patrick is an entertaining writer. The chapter involving embarrassing reasons for coming to the ER was my favorite. One story involved the aftermath of sex between a woman, a man and a camp stove. The group problem solving session and multiple attempts at extracting the penis from the camp stove was especially funny. This book isn't for the faint-hearted.

I got the book from Amazon. Buy it and enjoy.

Cries For Help

A patient's call light was on. I walked over and as I got to the doorway, the patient yelled "Help." I hurried in the room, wondering what the emergency was. The patient pointed to a portable DVD player and asked how to turn it on.

It was tempting to grab the DVD player and throw it against the wall. Instead, I just found the play button and showed it to her. In the future if she keeps that nonsense up, her cries for help may not be a priority with the nurses.

Later, in another room, there was a loud crashing sound followed by someone yelling for help. I rushed over, expecting to see a patient on the floor. Instead, it was just a food tray that fell off a table and crashed on the floor. The person yelling for help was in another room. He was saying "Help, help, a pill fell."

He was a little hard of hearing and thought that the crashing sound was a pill falling to the floor. Even if a food tray hitting the floor sounded like a falling pill to him, why call for help? No, he wasn't confused.

No, It's An Elevator

The patient was on her way to the OR and we were waiting for an elevator. Finally, the elevator door opened and we carefully pushed her bed inside. The elevator was small and a tight fit. It was a freight elevator and was old, dirty and scraped up. Just as the doors closed, the patient asked, "Is this the operating room?"

Poor dear.

Dementia Humor

I was admitting an elderly lady and asked her a routine question regarding whether she has ever smoked.

She answered, "No, but I f#cked a lot."

Later, she was taken down for some x-rays of her foot. When she got back, she complained that instead of x-raying her foot, they had been taking pictures of her vagina.

Dementia is a sad thing. I deal with it by laughing hysterically.

Another confused patient needed to be turned and to have the skin on her back checked for pressure ulcers. As I rolled the patient over against her will, my coworker leaned her head over to take a look at her bottom. At that precise moment, the patient explosively pushed out some gas.

My coworker said, "How rude."

Usually, I put some distance between me and a patient's room before I start laughing, but this time I lost it. Nursing can be quite funny sometimes.

The Blondie Incident

At work, I was sitting at a desk reading a chart. I was vaguely aware of a patient's husband having a discussion with a nurse, but wasn't paying attention.

The patient's husband suddenly yelled,"It's not funny blondie."

I'm the only blonde. He was talking to me. Astonished, I looked up at his enraged face and said, "What?"

"You heard me blondie."

I stood up, completely clueless what he was talking about. I followed him as he went back in his wife's room. He turned around and hissed, "I know you girls are all out there laughing at us."

I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I told him so in front of his wife. I repeated that I was just reading a chart and he yelled at me.

The wife said that I had never been her nurse and wasn't involved. The husband began an angry rant about the surgeons and how he wanted to get a couple of them fired. I just listened and then left.

Later, he came out of the room and apologised. I told him that it was okay.

We really hadn't been talking or laughing about them prior to this incident. That all changed after the blondie tirade. We spent the rest of the evening laughing at them. His paranoia brought an illusion to life.

A New Bed

My new bed arrived. But first, I had to make room for it. That meant leaning the old mattress and box springs against the wall, which isn't easy because they weigh about a hundred tons.

Since all of the linens were off the bed anyway, that seemed like the perfect time to wash everything. That took pretty much the entire day.

Once the floor was cleared, I could see the piles of fur and dirt where the head of the bed was. Of course, I had to vacuum and wash the wall. While vacuuming, it made sense to do the rest of the house too.

The carpet still looked a little dirty, so I shampooed it. But I only did half of the carpets. I was running out of time and energy.

And, there is no point in cleaning the carpet and leaving the wood floors dirty. They had to be mopped. And the furniture needed dusting. Had to do that too.

I was also expecting a repairman to fix my oven, so the kitchen had to be cleaned too. Heaven forbid a repairman see how I really live. And just in case he wanted to use the bathroom, that had to be cleaned as well.

The repairman turned out to be a blue-eyed blond woman with a pony tail. It was a pleasant surprise and a good idea. Many women aren't comfortable having strange men come into their homes. Female repair people are less threatening and a good business idea.

Anyway, the sofa slipcovers were also dirty and since I was doing piles of laundry anyway, that got added to the laundry.

Once the bed was set up, I had to put everything back on the bed. Because the delivery men put the mattress and box springs on the bed, I had to pull the mattress back off, so I could put the dust ruffle and electric blanket cord on top of the box springs. Then, the mattress needed to be wrestled back on the bed.

The whole time I was fighting with MacKenzie who refused to get off the bed. Locking her out of the room caused her to cry and howl, which I can't stand to listen to. So, I had to make the bed with her in the bed. At work I do that all of the time, but it is more work. She growled every time I made her move. I growled back.

I'm pleased with the final result, but I'm not sure if I should paint the bed white. What do you think?

Impressive Entrance

Leaving work tonight, I walked past some blood at the top of the stairs. On the stairs, a big shiny, black cockroach ran by my feet. At the bottom of the stairs was a pile of vomit with a shoe print in the middle of it. Once outside the door, there was pigeon poop and feathers on the walkway, plus a cotton ball with a tiny drop of blood on it. The walkway was also polka dotted from all of the gum stuck to it.

One of the top complaints we get is that the hospital is dirty. I can't imagine why people would say that. Aren't the entrances to most hospitals like this?

The Vehicle Immobilizer System

We wanted to rent a movie, so we got in my car and the engine wouldn't start. It wasn't the battery and I had a half tank of gas. We took my boyfriend's car instead.

I do have another car, so it wasn't going to interfere with my ability to get around, but still, I was upset. My car had been in the shop for routine maintenance exactly one week earlier and I was wondering what they had done to my car. It seemed like too much of a coincidence that the only time I've ever had a problem with the car was after I allowed someone to look around under the hood.

And what if the problem was something major? What would that cost? And should I even have such a luxury car? Perhaps, I should trade in both cars in for a nice new station wagon. And how was I going to get the car to the dealer? Auto Club will only tow a car so far and I'm pretty sure the dealer is farther then the distance they allow.

Later, I got out the owner's manual with only the slightest of hopes that it would say what to do if the engine wouldn't start. There was a section called NVIS (Nissan Vehicle Immobilizer System). I had no idea that cars had such things. The engine will not start if a non-registered NVIS key is put near the ignition. Once that happens, even with the proper key, the engine will not start until the system is cleared.

Earlier, I had accidentally grabbed my boyfriend's keys and started to put the key in the ignition when I realized my mistake. We got a laugh out of it because my key ring has a big pink bunny on it and his doesn't. It turns out that his keys have a vehicle immobilizer system also. His key activated my immobilizer system making it impossible to start the car even with my keys.

Following the directions, I went through the key turning sequence necessary to clear the system. After that, my car started. All of that worry and aggravation for nothing.

The manual also mentioned that the system can be activated by the automated payment device on the key ring. I assume what that means is if you don't make your payments, they can keep you from starting your car. My car is paid for, so I don't have to worry about that, but isn't that amazing? That sounds like a great idea, but their idea to keep people from starting their cars because a foreign key got near the ignition switch seems stupid to me. What is that supposed to accomplish except for aggravation?

The Bottle Cap

I was sitting on the patio drinking beer when I noticed the bottle cap. It looked like the inside of the cap was corroded. There was a black splotch on the shiny metal cap. It didn't stop me from drinking the beer, but it did get me to wondering.

Just in the interest of science, I opened a second bottle of beer to see if the splotch was unique to that one bottle. Of course, I drank the second beer while I contemplated my discovery. The second bottle had the identical splotch. It had to mean something, it was too ugly to be purely decorative.

I decided that the splotch was a silhouette of a flying insect with its wings extended above its body. What that had to do with beer was a mystery. Although, it did remind me of a story my dad told me about a moonshiner he knew of during prohibition. This moonshiner was well known for his smooth whiskey with the amber color. When his still was found by the law, it was broken up and hundreds of grasshoppers were found inside. That's what gave the whiskey its lovely color.

It got me to wondering if grasshoppers or other flying insects were responsible for the beer's color. It didn't stop me from drinking the beer, but still, it was a puzzle. Then I turned the cap around.

It was a moose's head. I guess that makes sense if you're drinking Moosehead beer. You don't suppose that is an ingredient do you?

Tonight I watched for the first time, Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? It's hard to believe, but I am as smart as a fifth grader. Who would have believed it?

A Bad Trip

This is how the trip to Sarah's house began. The South-bound 5 was closed at the Newhall Pass. I wasn't going South, I was going North, but all of the traffic was being diverted North, so it was a bloody mess. I'm guessing that someone drove off the overpass, judging from all of the emergency vehicles parked on it and the rows of people staring over the edge to the freeway below.

This is MacKenzie after she threw up in my purse. See the chicken noodle casserole in my purse? That was her breakfast. This happened near Santa Barbara, so it was still a long drive left with a sick dog and a stinky car.

The trip went downhill from there. MacKenzie has adjusted to my house and behaves like a more or less normal dog. At Sarah's house, the change was too much for her. She was a growling, snapping challenge. We had to leave the next day. So much for my trip.

The drive back was uneventful. Although, I did suddenly remember that today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary if the Son of a Bitch hadn't bailed. But, what can you do? Life goes on. When I got home I had cake and wine to celebrate. I'm better off without him.

Driving through Santa Paula past the miles of citrus ranches, I stopped at a fruit stand. I was able to buy my first California oranges this year. Most of the crop was destroyed from the frost last winter and the local stores sell foreign and totally unacceptable oranges. I also got some strawberries that were so fragrant they hid the scent of dog vomit in my car. They were so good and I was so hungry that I ate a basket without washing them first. They still had tiny strawberry flower petals scattered across them. How could anything that pretty and delicious be dirty?

I'm tired from the marathon driving trip and the dogs are practically comatose. I plan on thoroughly enjoying the rest of my week off.

The Boyfriend

I have this week off and I'm driving up north to visit Sarah for a few days. I don't know if I will be able to Blog from there. Sarah has been having computer issues lately. So, if you don't hear from me, that's where I am.

Oh, there is just one more thing. I have a boyfriend. (No, it's not Richard.) Even though I'm not Jewish, I've been looking for a nice Jewish boy and I found one. He's also a lawyer and is as crazy about dogs as I am. That is saying a lot. We're planning a trip to Hawaii this Fall.

Birthday Presents

Tomorrow is my birthday, so I bought a present for me. Doesn't everyone do that? I bought something that I haven't had since I was a kid, a bed. I have slept on either a mattress on the floor or a mattress resting on the flimsy metal stand that came with the mattress. It seemed like it was time to do something about that.

Since I was getting what will perhaps be the only bed I ever own, I decided to do it right. I got a BIG bed with four posters and intricately carved wood. I may need to paint it white to fit my fantasy of a proper fairy princess bed, but we'll see. Not that there are mosquitoes here, but I also got mosquito netting to complete the gauzy, gaudy fantasy.

Being faced with my mortality caused me to buy one other present that may prove to be one of my dumber ideas, a skateboard. Now I just need to find a place to ride where the neighbors won't see me making a fool of myself.

Too Blonde To Be A Juror

I got a jury duty summons. If they would actually pick me to be on a jury, I wouldn't mind. My employer pays for jury duty and sitting on a jury is far easier than being a nurse. The problem is that no one wants me. There are so many reasons to keep me off a jury with my legal background and connections that even I would kick me if I were choosing the jury. I will be thanked and excused from service. Guaranteed.

So, it was with annoyance that I got another Summons. What's the point? Being the responsible law abiding person I am, I registered for service and put the dates
I was on call on my calendar. I was required to call the day before each court date to see if they would need me.

The appointed day came, so I called to see to see if I needed to come to court the next day. While working my way through the voice mail, I began reading the Summons. It had the usual warnings about about how failure to respond would result in imprisonment, fine and still having to serve jury duty. These were not people that I wanted to mess with. Then I saw it, the dates for service. I was one week late in calling.

It was a blonde thing. I meant well, but still managed to do something stupid. I was wondering if a warrant had been issued yet for my arrest. After a long wait, the message gave me new dates for service next month. Hopefully, that means everything is okay.

In the meantime, I'm going to be very careful driving. Just in case there is a warrant out there with my name on it, I don't want to do anything that may cause a cop to pull me over.