Bird Rescue

There was a bit of excitement in the house. Even though the weather was currently "very cool" according to the weather guy on TV, I had all of the doors and windows open. With the temperature down in the low 70's, I just bundled up against the chill.

Later, I heard Tommy throwing himself at the wall. Looking to see what was going on, I found this poor little creature in the house. I screamed and Tommy stopped the hot pursuit. I grabbed a light-weight throw and carefully wrapped it around the bird and took him outside.

I tossed the blanket open, expecting the bird to fly off, but instead he landed on the stucco wall and just held on. Since he was just standing there, I took some pictures. The camera was only a few inches away from him and he didn't flinch. He must have been paralyzed with fear. A few minutes later he took off. I always like a happy ending, don't you?

By the way, does anyone know what kind of bird this is?

Happy Halloween

Hitting A Wall And Bad Breath

The young woman was driving home late at night and crashed into the freeway wall. Her seatbelt and airbag protected her from major injuries, but she does have some interesting bruises going across her chest. Sorry, no photos, guys.

Curious, I asked her how the accident happened and she gave some vague explanation about being on some unfamiliar freeway and being lost. It didn't explain how she hit the wall, but, whatever. It didn't really matter.

I asked the usual questions about alcohol use and she said that she last had a drink 6 months ago. I didn't it much thought until later when I was reading the ER report and it mentioned that her breath smelled of alcohol. A quick check of her labs showed an alcohol level of 0.6. The legal intoxication level is 0.8, which would be fine for her except that the labs were drawn five hours after the accident. It wouldn't be tough to prove that she was intoxicated at the time of the accident. I think that she's going to need to hire an attorney.

I'm a little surprised that she would claim to have not had a drink in 6 months. Someone should tell her that the proper response when questioned is, "But officer, I only had two beers."

---

The patient had breath that smelled like a combination of urine and old, vaginal secretions. We hadn't fed her yet, so I can't blame it on the food. I'm also pretty sure that she hadn't done anything naughty; that was just her natural breath odor. Given how badly she smelled, I was astonished that she complained about the way her roommate smelled. Granted, the roommate did have diarrhea and kept flooding the bed, but at least poop is supposed to smell bad. No one's breath should ever smell like that.

The two ladies had to be separated and now some new innocent patient has to be with the stinky breath lady.

Why Am I Married

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? "Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


Thanks, Sarah.

Bus Mystery

I saw this school bus being towed up my street. It looks like a horrific accident occurred, but, I haven't heard anything about it. I guess no one was hurt since it didn't make the news, as far as I know.

False Labeling

Maybe I'm too picky, but shouldn't cashew brownies have cashews listed in the ingredients? I don't know if there were cashews in the brownies because they were all gone by the time I found them. *sigh*

The Toilet

The last plumbing job I did ended badly. I had to hire a plumber to finish the job. So, this time, I was quite anxious about my project. The overflow drain in the toilet had become eggshell brittle and had broken. With it broken, the toilet tank would drain as fast it emptied and never stopped. I had to turn off the water supply in between flushes and that was becoming a royal pain.

I bought a toilet repair kit, but didn't understand the instructions. I was on my own. An hour later I was done and can now flush the toilet without turning the water supply on and off. Yay!

The photo is after I washed my hands several times. It looks like I'll be going to work like that.

The Finger

Our newest patient was admitted because he bit off his finger. No, I don't know why. He and his mom walked up to our floor, laughing and joking. I figured that they were visitors until I saw his bandaged hand. It was him. We were expecting him, but I thought perhaps he might arrive in restraints, strapped to a gurney. Surely, someone who would bite off their finger would be wildly out of control. But he seemed perfectly fine.

I took him to his room and his first concern was how to change the channels on the TV. His second concern was getting some dinner. We took care of those issues and he was happy.

His finger can't be re-attached. For the rest of his life, people will be asking him what happened to his finger and he's going to have to figure out some kind of answer. He'll have to live with the consequences of his moment of idiocy for the rest of his life.

He couldn't possibly be as carefree as he appears. While smiling and laughing with the nurses and wondering what to watch on TV, he must be hiding the inner torment that he feels. I hope that he doesn't bite off any more fingers during the night before he can get his psych consult.

Tonight's Treasures

I've never come across a patient who I wanted to date, but you never know, it could happen. As part of my nursing assessment, I always assess whether any of my patients are potential boyfriend material. It's rare that I get a male patient around my age and even rarer when such a man is single. If he is single, he's invariably covered with tattoos, has a braid down his back and lives in a trailer out in the desert with his mother who supports him. Not exactly my type.

So tonight it was with great pleasure that I discovered my nice clean-cut, well mannered patient was single. Of course, as with all of my patients, I read his medical history and saw the deal breakers. He's a heavy smoker, recovering from heroin addiction, has a psyche history and has been unemployed for several years. Dang. It's always something.

Later, I needed to get his blood pressure and had to lean over the young, pretty blonde in his bed. Too bad that she didn't have the benefit of a chart to screen him before becoming involved with him. But then again, perhaps she doesn't care. He is good looking and polite. For some women that is enough.

Oh, I was introduced to one other gentleman tonight by his mother who was my patient. He had possibilities and then I saw in her chart that he was under investigation for elder abuse and is an alcoholic. Are there any normal men out there who aren't already taken?

I'm sure glad that men are luxury items and not necessities. I'd be in big trouble otherwise.

Where It All Happens

Alan, of I Don't Care About Apathy, wants to see where everyone does their blogging. So, this is where it all happens at my house. I work in a corner of the kitchen underneath the spice rack. Living alone, there are other places I could do this, such as a spare bedroom or loft, but none are better. I can cook and blog at the same time.


The photo below was taken a little over a year ago. Not much has changed, except that the dictionary is back further on the table now. I'm taking more chances with my spelling. That's my idea of living dangerously.

Retail Therapy

I needed to quickly buy a present. I went to T.J.Maxx where I usually have good luck. I looked at shoes, purses, jewelry, clothes and housewares. There was no budget. I could buy anything that struck my fancy and yet, came out empty-handed. The present was for me. How is it possible to go into a women's store and not find one thing I even remotely wanted?

Dejected at not getting a present, I bought a car load of manure instead, along with some heater filters. Don't I know how to have fun on a Saturday afternoon? The only thing that could have made the day any more fun is putting gas in my car and air in my tires.

I did get invited to a donkey class by someone at work, but I have no desire to do that, whatever that is. She showed me a photo of her dressed up in a 1950's nursing costume with a donkey covered in bandages. Apparently, the class involves dressing up in costumes with your donkey. I don't really get it, but I have been known to do that with my dogs. It's funny how it seems normal to dress up a dog, but odd to dress up a donkey. It's probably best that I not find out if I like donkeys. The odds are that I would and the last thing I need is a donkey living in my house and sleeping in my bed.

I've been a little bit sick for almost a month now. I was only shopping for a couple of hours, but by the time I got home, I just collapsed in the middle of a dog heap. Dinner was a beer, jalapeno potato chips, ice cream, dates, diet rootbeer and a peanut butter cup. Give me a break, I've been eating healthy food all week. I couldn't treat myself with retail therapy, so I used junk food therapy instead. They both work about as well. It's fun while you're doing it and then you regret it.

I need to make at least four more manure runs next week. At least my car no longer smells like dog.

Rose Close-ups

After all of my failures in the garden this year, at least something in the garden is foolproof. Any fool can grow roses in this climate. Good thing.

A Knock On The Door

I don't open the door to strangers. My mom trained me well. If a stranger is at the door, I drop to the floor, below the level of the windows and wait for them to leave. This time, though, I was expecting someone, an insurance adjuster.

When I heard a knock on the door and saw a man in a suit, I figured that was him. Only after opening the door did I realize my horrible mistake. It was a J.W.(Jehovah Witness). I just stared at him in horror and wondered how I was going to politely get rid of him. This is exactly the reason why I don't open my door to strangers. Who needs this kind of aggravation?

I'm not just avoiding people who are trying to convert me to their religion, I'm also trying to avoid sales people, murderers, thieves and rapists. When you're a woman living alone, you can't be too careful.

Anyway, the dogs were trying to squeeze through the partially open door to kill the J.W. No, not really kill, just lick him silly, but he didn't know that. He quickly handed me a tract, asked me to read it and left. Hallelujah! I got off easy.

New Slippers

I was starting to worry. My second to last pair of slippers wore out last week, leaving me with only one pair to get me through the long, cold winter ahead. If anything happened to my last pair of slippers, I would just die. Contrary to popular belief, it does get cold in L.A. Inside my house it can get down to the upper 60's. I simply must have furry boots to keep my feet warm.

I was worried for nothing. Costco got in a new shipment of slippers just in time. Now I'm good for another year. Although, I'm wondering if I should go back and get two years worth. You never know.

Kelsey likes the new slippers too. His favorite is the Golden Retriever colored ones. I'll have to remember to keep them out of dog reach.

Repairing The Damage

I took my car to an auto body shop to get an estimate for the damage caused to my car by that thing I hit on the freeway. If the damage was less than my deductible, I was just going to pay it and not make an insurance claim. I've now made a formal claim with my insurance company.

The damage didn't look that bad to me. The plastic cover under the car needed replacing and I knew from past experience that would run around a hundred dollars. (This isn't the first time I've ran over things on the freeway.) It was just a question of what fixing the bumper would cost. I thought perhaps another hundred bucks, but it's a thousand. That seems like a lot of money for a bumper. I wonder what a real accident would cost. I hope that I never find out.

Scared Of Shots

I stole something from work last night. It was from France, came in a tiny vial and is worth its weight in gold. They offered it to me for free earlier in the evening, but I refused. I prefer to steal it.

It was flu vaccine and no one can give a shot as good as I can. I give myself my own shots, thank you very much. I watched the technique of the nurse who came to my floor with her wicker basket full of supplies. She slowly pushed the needle into the skin and I could see the resistance of the needle as it penetrated the skin and then again as it hit muscle. No way was anyone going to do that to me.

Later, I sneaked into the bathroom with my vial and used a tiny insulin needle to withdraw my dose. It's supposed to be given in the muscle, but studies have shown it works just fine when delivered just under the skin using a smaller amount of vaccine. I pinched a tiny bit of skin on my tummy and rapidly jammed the needle in like a dart. I didn't feel a thing. The vaccine stung as it was pushed in, but it was over with in a second. I put the rest of the vaccine back in the fridge. No one will miss the tiny bit removed.

Poopy Tray And Say When

I saw a coworker come out of a room carrying a food tray cover filled with poop-soiled washcloths. She dumped the washcloths in a clothes hamper and put the poopy food cover in the fridge. It was in the dirty food fridge, but still. I'm not sure that dietary is equipped to handle poop. But then, we do often send food trays back to the kitchen with vomit on them, so maybe this isn't that different. I don't know, what do you think?

---

The patient didn't seem nuts, but he was sure acting nuts. He had donated blood before surgery and now that he needed the blood, he was refusing it. He would not tell us what his concerns were. The next day he was even weaker and kept passing out every time he tried to stand up. Finally, he agreed to take some of his blood, but with a catch. He got to decide how much he would get. If he got part of one unit and decided that was enough, we had to agree to stop it immediately.

I just can't figure out what his problem was. If he had religious objections, he would not have agreed to any blood. If he didn't trust us to give him the right blood, again, he would not have agreed to any part of it.

As it turned out, a whole unit got into him without his objecting that he had had his fill of blood. It was almost like we were pouring him a drink and asking him to say when. People can be so hard to figure out sometimes.

Proof That Dogs Can Read

Bad Farmer

It's a good thing that I don't rely upon what I grow in order to eat. I have a good crop of pomegranates, but something is eating them.
These apples are no more than an inch in diameter. They taste something like raw potatoes. Nothing is eating these, including me.
My quince tree produced a good crop, but all of the fruit mysteriously disappeared. The same thing happened with the pears. Birds, squirrels and rats don't like quince or pears, so I suspect the gardeners. Yes, it's true that I don't eat them, but still, I like to look at them. They went missing before I could get a picture.

The mulberry crop was a disaster. Last year I ate them until I was sick. This year they fell off the tree without ripening. I blame the unusually hot weather.

The green apple tree grew enough apples for a pie, but the fruit all disappeared. I'm not sure who to blame. Gardeners again?

The apricots and figs were eaten by the birds. Wrapping each branch in yards of plastic wrap didn't work.

I had over two dozen tomato plants and didn't get a single tomato. It could have been the hot weather again. The only thing I was able to eat was basil, so, I ate basil salads, basil sandwiches, basil pasta and brushetta. Basil in that kind of quantity is an acquired taste, apparently. I fed my parents one of my basil meals and ever since, they have wanted to take me out to dinner whenever it's my turn to cook.

Camera On A Tripod

The neighbors across the street have always kept their bedroom window blinds closed, until now. Now, a camera on a tripod is sitting in the now exposed window. My question is why.

The camera lens is facing my house. Are they filming me? If so, they will die of boredom. Nothing even remotely interesting happens in my house. They'll see dogs walking around and sleeping on the furniture. Sometimes I'll walk by in old sweats. I might sit down and read in my sweats. Nothing illegal, immoral or racy happens here. I find it hard to believe that the camera is there to film me.

Maybe it's a security camera and they are filming all activity in front of their house. Again, I don't know why they would bother. This is a very low crime area with cops living up and down the street. Plus, the wife doesn't work and the husband doesn't travel. One or both of them are almost always home. I don't know why they would be so afraid.


So, why after several years, is a camera now prominently displayed in their window?

An Incident On The Freeway

It looks like I wasn't so crazy and extravagant after all, in my decision to have two cars. Now I have a car to drive until I can get my Z repaired.

The accident wasn't my fault. Something big and dark was lying across my lane. It was a dark stretch of freeway, so I couldn't see it until I was a second or two away. Traveling at around 75, I didn't dare yank the wheel to avoid it. There are worse things than hitting objects in your lane, spinning out of control or side-swiping another car are examples.

I still don't know what it was, but it made a very loud thud and jerked my car hard. My car is now dragging the plastic cover that protects the underside of the car and there is a dent and quite a bit of scraping on the front bumper.

It's annoying, but I feel like I was lucky. Nothing truly terrible happened and I have the luxury of time in getting around to doing something about it. It's great to have a spare car.

A Pox, Syrup And Spanglish

A nurse said that she wanted to send a pox to the pharmacy.

The other nurse responded, "You want to send a pox to the pharmacy?"

She responded, "No, not a pox, a fox."

"You want to send a fox to the pharmacy?"

The answer was yes. So she repeated, "You want to send a fox to the pharmacy?"

Asked to spell it, she answered F A X. Suddenly it all made sense.

---

I normally wouldn't do such a thing, but I was hungry. A waffle was left over from a patient's breakfast and I just had to have it. It looked untouched, but how does one truly know? I decided to risk it.

Being eating impaired, I spilled maple syrup all over me. No matter how much I wiped, I couldn't get rid of the odor on me. And worse yet, it was that awful artificial maple syrup odor. I had to put up with that smell all night.

Just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, I had to catheterize a woman who hadn't bathed in awhile. A long while. That smell is still stuck in my nostrils. I'm also still smelling artificial maple flavoring. No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse.

---

The patient was Korean and the nurse asked her if she spoke English. She answered, "poquito." (sp?)

It can't be easy learning English in L.A.

Simple Toys And Treasured Trash

I work with a woman whose grandson has every toy known to mankind. Not only that, but he has two of every toy. He has one set of toys at his parent's house and another duplicate set at his grandma's house. That way he won't risk feeling deprived when he's visiting grandma.

His favorite toy is a bowl of fake fruit. A small fortune has been spent on his mountain of toys, but he would rather play with fake fruit. He wore out the red apple and has been driving grandma crazy with his begging and pining for a new red apple. I'm a friend of grandma, so when I saw a fake red apple in the dollar store, I just had to buy it. In fact, I bought two. Now he has a spare, just in case.

It seems kind of strange to me that with all of the fancy toys out there, a kid would prefer fruit. But then, I got hours of enjoyment out of simple toys when I was a kid. But then, I had no choice, all toys were simple way back then.

---

My parents came over for dinner and took home with them a watermelon rind and a used tea bag. My parents are not poor by any means, but they grew up during the depression and the smallest things seem precious to them. The rind still had an inch or two of red fruit attached, so it couldn't be thrown out. The tea bag was used for only one cup of tea. My mother can make that tea bag last another week. I don't even want to go into the piece of foil that my mom washed. I thought that the purpose of foil was to avoid washing a pan. It defeats the purpose to wash the foil.

I was born long after the depression, but it continues to play a part in my life. I must seem extravagant to my mom the way I go through tea bags. I might spend as much as a nickel a day on tea bags.

No More Problems Or Quitting

Flowery euphemisms are not my style. I prefer to say what I mean using plain English. I find that this increases the chances that people will understand me and will save time, both theirs and mine.

For this reason, I dislike corporate speech. It makes my skin crawl to hear of "challenges" and never "problems." Problem has become a dirty word. But just what is wrong with the word "problem?" Just because something is called a problem doesn't mean that it has no solution. It just means that it's an issue. Using the euphemism "challenge", doesn't change the facts. All it does is irritate me that I'm not supposed to use the word "problem."

The latest perfectly good word we have been deprived or is "quit." The correct term is now "opportunity for change." For example, a manager was recently telling me about a couple of nurses who had an opportunity for change. I asked if that meant they quit, but the manager said that we don't use the term quit. It seems to be that an opportunity for change could also apply to being fired. I can imagine someone losing their job, going home in tears and telling their family that they got an opportunity for change. To me, that sounds silly.

Do you have any perfectly good words that have been banned from your workplace?

Soup And Shoved

I nearly bought some tomato soup. What stopped me was the nutritional information on the label. It was 350 calories a cup. If I'm going to eat something that is 350 calories a cup, it had better be frozen and have chocolate or vanilla beans in it.

Plus, unlike ice cream, I don't consider one cup to be a serving size for soup. The entire one quart container is my idea of a serving size, which would be well over half of my daily calorie allotment. Sometimes it makes more sense to eat ice cream.

---

A transporter was bringing in a patient by bed and needed to pass through the narrow passageway leading into the room. He was in hurry and the open bathroom door was blocking his path. With one big shove, he slammed the door shut. What he didn't know was that I was on the other side of the door helping a patient in the bathroom. The door sent me flying into the bathroom with the door slamming shut behind me. Fortunately, the patient was safely sitting on the toilet out of harm's way. Although unhurt, I was a little stunned, wondering what had just happened and when it would be safe to come out.

Dirty Dates

At the grocery store was a large box of Medjool dates. I love them, but didn't want to buy such a large box. It's not that I wouldn't be able to eat them all, it's that I would eat them all and would put on weight. Then I noticed a woman open the box, reach in and pull out some dates with her fingers. I had no idea that was allowed.

Once I realized that I could just buy as many as I want, I was even less eager to get some. I don't want to buy something that people have been touching with their fingers. The store didn't even have tongs, so that I could at least pretend that everyone actually used them. I'm not an expert on such things, but I don't think that dates can be washed.

But the good news is that Costco should be getting fresh dates soon. They come in sealed containers that have only been touched by field hands, packers, squirrels, birds, rats ... maybe it's best not to think about who has touched food before we get it.

How brave are you about reaching into bins at stores to buy things that can't be washed?

Satan's Sisters

The patient wasn't bad, it was her daughters who were evil. If our care was half as bad as they said it was, they could have just hired a lawyer, sued us and been done with it. That wasn't really an option, so they they just harassed us and tried to make our lives miserable instead.

This is just a typical example. One daughter came to visit her mother and found her asleep with the lights out in her room. *gasp* How dare we turn the lights out so that she could sleep. She might wake up later and be confused in the dark. She came storming out of the room and yelled out the dreaded words, "WHO is my mother's nurse?" That night it was someone else's turn to be reamed.

When she was done chewing out the nurse, she went after the supervisor. Later she went home and fired off e-mails and letters. One was sent to the President. I don't mean the president of my company, I mean the President of the country. Condaleeza got one as well.

All she had to say was leave the lights on 24 hours a day in her mother's room and we would have done so. We do comply with people's bizarre requests whenever possible, we just need to be told what they are.

Every day, it's something like this. If I owned my company, I would tell them to start looking for a different health care/insurance plan. I don't own the company, so like everyone else, I just have to endure the abuse.

This is one of the few times that I miss being a lawyer in private practice. On the rare occasions when I came across people like this, I just told them to get out of my office and find a new lawyer. I didn't have to put up with crap like this.

I have one last example of these people's lunacy. One of the sisters couldn't find the mother's sandals. In her obnoxiously loud voice, she started yelling about these "very expensive" sandals we lost and that we had better find them or else. The sandals were in the patient's closet, where they belonged so another crisis was averted.

I was curious about these "very expensive" sandals. As soon as the daughter left, I peeked in the bag at the sandals. I recently saw an episode of Sex In The City in which a pair of $485 sandals were lost. I was expecting to see something like that in the bag. Instead, I saw these dirty rubber flip-flops. I rest my case.

The Law

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change waiting lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater: At any event, people whose seats are furthest from the aisle.... arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs+Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Cliff’s Law: As soon as you get interested in a new TV show that has an end of the season cliff-hanger ending they will cancel it for the next season without resolving the plot.