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More Cute Animal Pictures

Sarah, if you sent me these, thanks. If not, never mind.

Distracted

I've been a little forgetful lately. A few days ago I got in my car with my keys in one hand and chocolate in the other hand. The next thing I knew, the keys were in my mouth. That wasn't what I wanted to do at all. At least I didn't put the chocolate in the ignition switch.

Then later, I put my car in reverse, released the brake and wondered why it didn't go. I forgot to turn the engine on.

Now, I was reading my comments and discovered that I thanked Sarah for pictures I posted and she didn't send them to me. I have no idea where they came from.

Is this what Alzheimers feels like?

Are These For Real?

Thanks, Sarah whoever sent me this.

And You Thought That You Were Having A Bad Day

Dating Daryl

On the way to my blind date, I asked my friend Scott just how old Daryl is. I've asked this question before and Scott would give some vague answer like probably 40 something, but that I look young and age doesn't matter when you get to be our age. Because I know that's not true for most men, I felt uneasy.

Now that we were in the car on the way to the date and there was no backing out, Scott said that he would try to find out his age. A couple of phone calls later, it was revealed that Daryl is around 37. Have I mentioned that I'm almost 50? I wanted to open the car door and jump into traffic. I was imagining how Daryl was going to react to me. I felt sorry for the poor guy for being fixed up with me. This is not low self-esteem talking, by the way. If Daryl was my age he would be lucky to have me, but not many young men want significantly older women.

Daryl, by the way, was great. If he asks me out, I will say yes. He appears to be a normal, stable human being. There is nothing flashy or insubstantial about him. The lighting in the restaurant was soft and flattering, but he must realize that I'm older. If he sees me in the cold, hard light of day, he might run for his life, assuming that I even make it to round two in the dating game. Wish me luck. I'll let you all know if he calls.

27 Questions

I found this meme on Running 2k's blog, running2ks.blogsome.com. I couldn't resist.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what did you think? .......OMG. I have a date tomorrow and a zit on my nose and is that basal cell carcinoma on my cheek?

2. How much cash do you have on you? .......$16, plus change.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”? ........Best.

4. Favorite planet? ..........Earth.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? .......N/A. I don't use my cell.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? .......I don't know. I've never heard it ring.

7. What shirt are you wearing? .......A red bandana print scrub top. (Red hides the blood stains.)

8. Do you “label” yourself? .....Yes. Blonde. (It's more than a color, it's a state of being and lifestyle.)

9. Name the brand of shoes you’re currently wearing now: .......Fila, not to be confused with phyllo.

10. Bright or Dark Room?.........Bright. (Like me.)

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? .......Nice person.

12. What were you doing at midnight last night? ........Saying hello to my dogs. (Were you expecting something exciting?)

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? ....... How many times do we have to go over this? I don't use my cellphone. OKAY? Maybe I'm not sure how it works and am sensitive about that. Stop asking me about it.

14. Where is your nearest 7-11? ..........I don't know and I don't really care. I buy things in volume, preferably from Costco.)

15. What’s a saying(s) that you say a lot?.......I'm sorry.

16.Who told you they loved you last? .........My mother.

17. Last furry thing you touched? .........My boys, although, I resent them being referred to as things.

18. How many days of school did you miss this week? .......How many days are in a week?

19. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?.......None, I use digital.

20. Favorite age you have been so far? .........I'm not sure. Do I have to decide now?

21. Your worst enemy? ..........Me.

22. What is your current desktop picture? .......Pictures of my dogs. What else would you expect from me?

23. What was the last thing you said to someone?.......Look at my pretty boys. How are my boys? What pretty puppies. (It goes on and on, but I think that you get the idea.)

24. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose? .......I would choose to fly and charge people to watch me.

25. Do you like someone? .......Yes. Lots of people.

26. The last song you listened to?..........Bouree from Jethro Tull.

27. Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson?..........Isn't that like asking if I would rather have a broken arm or a broken leg?

Men Don't Stand A Chance

A Typical Thursday

I really hate Thursdays. That's because Thursday is gardener day. If they would come at a civilized time, like noon, it wouldn't be so bad. But being the over-achievers that they are, they come a little after 7 am, which is like the middle of the night for me.

The worst part is that the dogs must be locked inside the house when they come. Lately, I've been locking the doggy door before I go to bed, so I don't have to worry about sleeping through the gardener's arrival and the dogs escaping.

This morning and I'm using the term loosely because it was still dark outside, Murphy started squeaking in his high pitched dolphin voice. Thinking that he needed to go to the bathroom, I got up and walked through the cold, dark house to let him out. He headed straight for the pond. I had to just wait in the freezing cold, dark house until he was done lounging in the water. After what felt like a eternity, Murph got out of the pond and without even shaking, walked back in the house.

I went back to bed and fell asleep just in time for the gardener's arrival. How is it possible for a couple of guys to make so much noise? I don't think we made that much noise invading Iraq.

I fell back asleep and when I got up, I looked in the mirror and there was a pimple on my nose. What I would like to know is how my nose knew that I have a date on Saturday?

I wanted to post a picture of something. It was either of the zit on my nose or the daffodils at work. Hope you're not all disappointed.

Tit For Tat

Why do doctors remove healthy ovaries? Most of the patients who have hysterectomies in my hospital come back missing a pair of ovaries. If they were diseased, I could understand it. I could even understand it if the patient had a strong family history of ovarian cancer. What I don't understand is why healthy ovaries are being removed routinely.

My patient today is a perfect example. She is a healthy woman in her early forties and had a hysterectomy due to heavy bleeding from fibroids. Even before the surgery, the plan was to remove the ovaries for no expressed reason. (The picture is of what they removed.) The ovaries were perfectly healthy.

This woman will now go through sudden menopause with all of the accompanying risks of early menopause. Hormones will help, but they are a poor substitute for what the body produces naturally.

I'm just guessing, but maybe it's easier and faster to remove the whole package, rather than tie off and leave behind the ovaries. If anyone knows why this is happening, I would really like to know.

If ovaries are being removed because it's one less type of cancer a woman might be faced with, than I think that men should receive the same favor. If a man has surgery near his pelvic area, than his testicles should also be removed routinely. What's fair is fair. Tit for tat and all that. Just kidding. (I think.)

A Great Brain

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with QueenElizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

What Did I Do To Deserve This?

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my homes.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

Bush has to go.

Sincerely, Saddam Hussein

(My brother, a staunch Republican sent me this. I'm a bleeding heart liberal, in case anyone hasn't noticed.)

Bipolar Bicolors

At first I thought that it was just my imagination, or maybe the angle of the sun, but now there is no doubt. The north side of the new hospital is white and the south side is taupe. This photo was taken from the side to prove that I'm not making this up. Maybe it's just me, but isn't that rather odd?

I can understand different colors for trim and decoration, but not entirely different colors on opposite sides of the building. This just seems wrong.

Something like this is enough to drive me crazy wondering why it happened. These are some of my explanations:

1) The design committee couldn't agree on a color and so struck a compromise.

2) The north side of the building was finished first and then the manufacturer discontinued the color, resulting in the south side being painted in a different color.

3) After the north side was done, everyone hated the color so they decided to do the south side in a more pleasing color.

4) The builder made a mistake.

5) Because the north side of the building gets less sun, they wanted a lighter color to reflect as much heat as possible to make sure that everyone on that side of the building is as cold as possible.

6) The south side of the building needed to be a darker color to absorb as much heat as possible so that we can continue the tradition of baking the people on the south side.

I've brought this most serious matter to the attention of my coworkers, but they are all in denial. They don't believe me. All they have to do is go outside and look. I'm not making this up.

Notice My Hat?

On Christmas, a supervisor took pictures of the nurses who worked, had them printed and framed and now they are on display. Three different coworkers noticed the picture and asked me if the picture was taken last week. There are a couple of things wrong with that question.

1) There are Christmas decorations in the background and

2) I'm wearing a Santa hat.

Flying Fronds

My least favorite kind of weather is blowing through. No amount of bath oil or moisturizer can replace what is being sucked from my skin. I feel like a withered old hag with my dry, itchy skin and peeling lips. The whistling and banging sounds from outside is also starting to get on my nerves and I'm not going to even try to describe what my hair looks and feels like. No photo today.

Driving was more than the usual challenge. My car was sandblasted and people kept weaving in and out of lanes to avoid tumbleweeds and palm fronds. The fronds were so big and sharp looking that I really didn't want to find out what would happen if I hit one.

Once I got into the Valley, the plant hazards were replaced by an even scarier one. There was a large piece of metal bouncing across the freeway. I hit it. A car up ahead of me hit it also and pulled over to the side, disabled apparently. I held my breath and nothing happened. I arrived safely at work.

Coming home was worse. The winds were stronger and it appeared that I was driving through fog, but it was dust. There was a section of freeway where the visibility suddenly dropped to zero. I couldn't see the lanes and was navigating by Braille with the Bots dots. Not wanting to drive at 75 miles per hour through zero visibility, I hit the brakes and hoped that the cars behind me were doing the same. I'm glad that I did because a few seconds later I discovered that a car up ahead of me was nearly stopped. They should close the freeway when that happens, but then I have no idea how I would get home. I only know the freeway route.

So, that was my biggest adventure today. I'm glad that I'm finally home and can finally climb into my nice warm bed. I really hate the Santa Ana's.

Does This Look Like A florist Shop?

A visitor came with a bunch of flowers and asked if we had a vase. This happens all of the time and no, we don't have vases. This is a hospital, not a florist shop.

I handed the visitor a container that we use for measuring urine and vomit. You would think that she would have been satisfied at that point, but no, she also wanted me to trim the stems of the flowers. It may seem hard to believe, but I did have more important things to do than be her servant girl.

I handed her my scissors, so that she could do it herself. What a mistake that was. She broke my scissors. So, did she at least offer to buy me another pair? No, she asked if I had another pair that she could borrow. What?!!! She wanted to break those too if I had them? That was my only pair of scissors and now I have to look for new ones. I can't believe the gall of some people.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Apple Blossoms are starting to bloom in my yard. Spring is on its way. (At least in L.A.)

Hot And Cold

Today I wore a heavy fur-lined jacket. In the car, the heater was going full blast. Once I got to work, I had to remove the jacket. I was miserably cold.

Walking past a patient's room, I saw a woman in a mini skirt and a spaghetti strap top. She did not have any kind of a jacket with her. (Sorry, I couldn't photograph the rest of her, but she had a dominatrix theme going on.)

How is it possible for two people experiencing the same weather to dress so differently? I don't want to sound catty, but I don't think that she was nearly as hot as she thought she was. (Although some gentlemen may have a different opinion.) It must get cold walking the streets dressed that way.

Car Cat

You're probably wondering why I'm posting a fuzzy picture of a Lexus driving through Van Nuys. Look closely between the front seats. That's a kitty and he or she actually appears to enjoy riding around. Imagine that.

In the past when I've had cats and they had to go someplace in the car, it was like trying to capture a weed whacker come to life. After I tended to my wounds and began the drive, it sounded like they were possessed. It was always a most dreadful experience for all . What a surprise to see a cat acting like a dog in the car. By that, I mean enjoying it.

Passport Photo Primadonna

I got my passport photo taken. This picture, unfortunately is a little closer to what I really look like. Normally, if I want to post a picture, I'll take as many as a hundred shots until I get the shot that has the look I'm going for. Passport photos are a one shot deal. *sigh*

It was also annoying that I had to face the camera directly. I look better with my face turned to the the side. If they're concerned about security, I would be glad to adopt the same pose for the customs inspectors. I don't think that it's too much to ask to be photographed from my best angle. I wonder if movie stars are treated this way.

Another Way To Die

Something bad happened at work. We're going to need lawyers for this one.

What happened is that the lab called a nurse and told her that a patient had a critically low magnesium level. The nurse called the doctor and got an order to give the patient magnesium by IV. The IV was given and the patient, a young healthy woman with a minor injury, suddenly died. She could not be revived.

So, what happened? The nurse who spoke to the lab didn't hear the patient's name correctly and thought that it was a different patient who had a critical low value. So, the wrong patient got the magnesium.

The patient who did need the magnesium and didn't get it in a timely manner also had a close call. Given a little more time we could have killed her as well. This is something that could have happened at any hospital. How scary is that?

Strategy Session

At a strategic session in Kansas, at the U.S. War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,"Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?"

"Yes, gentlemen, it looks like you will," answers the General.

"And who will be our enemy, General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class is attentive , and finally one officer asks, "But General, we are 250 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the General, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in theMiddle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 150 million Arabs, and the Jews have been victorious every time."

"But sir," asks the inquisitive officer, "Do we have enough Jews?



David Shackelford
So. Cal. Chap.82nd Abn Assoc. AATW

Not My Type

A patient asked me out and I politely declined. I still had to be his nurse, so the evening was awkward after that. Just when I thought that the worst was over, he couldn't urinate. Oh joy. I had to catheterize him. Have any idea how uncomfortable it is to refuse to go out with someone and then have to hold his penis?

When another patient was admitted, a form was filled out which, among other things, asked about food allergies. Grass and trees were listed. At first I thought this was funny, but on second thought maybe he is allergic to wheat, corn, rice, millet, oats, barley, cinnamon and hearts of palm. Calling it grass and trees is so much simpler.

Priceless Cheerleading

Cheerleading, tumbling lessons and camps since age 3: $30,000


Annual cost of attending USC: $ 50,000


Annual cost for staying just the right shade of blonde: $10,000


Cheering when the other team scores: Priceless

Make Sure That It's Turned On

My day started out with a dead computer. First I made sure that the power was on. It was. Next, I pulled out the equipment on the floor to get to the cords and check all of the connections and make sure it was plugged in. It was all plugged in. After that I was stumped.

Computer withdrawal was starting to set in. Trying not to panic, I sat and stared at the computer. Then, I suddenly noticed that the computer was turned off. I never turn my computer off, but there must have been a power failure or something. I hit the on button and it came back to life.

Don't I feel like a fool? I'm glad that I didn't call anybody for help. I can imagine some guy in India laughing at the stupid American girl who didn't think to turn the computer on.

What's That Smell?

I walked into a room with four patients and it had a poopy smell. Three of the patients were incontinent and confused, so one by one, I began rolling them over to find out who did it. They were all clean. My attention became focused on the one "normal" patient in the room. Approaching him, I noticed a pile of ethnic food on his table. That was the source of the smell. Thank goodness I won't be going to his house for dinner.

My patient was feeling restless and decided to go for a walk. He left wearing only a gown and socks and took his IV pole and other equipment with him. Every floor has sitting areas for people to, well, sit. He became fatigued and sat down. A security guard came along and told him that the sitting area was only for patients and that he would have to leave. The guard was not joking. Perhaps when they hire security guards they should first make sure that they have an IQ at least the same as a monkey.

Rose, Fish And Orange

It hasn't been exactly bikini weather lately, but the roses are still blooming. This picture was taken two days ago.




I wish that people would stop leaving their fish lying around. Fish to me are pets, especially if the heads are still attached. I hate coming to work and finding a half-eaten pet sitting on the toaster.

Leaving work, I found this gruesome site lying on the sidewalk. There's a splat where the body hit the sidewalk and cracked open. He could have fallen as many as ten stories. How tragic. Did he jump or was he pushed?

The Amazing Claude

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations," Claude told the audience.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

..."CRAP!" exclaimed The Amazing Claude ...

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Bush Explains The Medicare Drug Bill

-- Verbatim Quote Spoken on 2005-12-13 16:35:

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: 'I don't really understand. How is the new plan going to fix the problem?'

Verbatim response: PRESIDENT BUSH: "Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red."

Thanks, Sarah

Pajama Party

Running 2 K's (http://running2ks.blogsome.com/) had a virtual pajama party on Friday. All of her blogging friends were welcomed to participate and post their photos. My boys and I participated, but I'm late posting my pictures.

I don't normally sleep in pajamas, or anything else, but not wanting to be naked for the pictures I put a pair on. Be grateful for small favors.




This where I get my goodnight kisses. I'm not sure if the boys really love me or just like the taste of my skin cream.
All in all, a fine time was had by all.

Beyond Prozac

This was elective surgery. She didn't have to have it. She knew that people require physical therapy after knee replacement surgery and must get up and walk if they wish to ever regain the use of their knee. Knowing all of this, after the surgery she refused to budge. If a physical therapist even dared talk to her, she would scream obscenities. If anyone touched her, she would start swinging. We would joke that she needed prozac, but she was beyond prozac, she needed a pre-frontal lobotomy.

The situation was complicated by her incontinence. She just lay flat on her back in her own pee and poop. We don't like for patients to do this. It's hard on the skin and can quickly lead to pressure ulcers, not to mention that we don't care for the smell. Even though she was not confused, she would not allow us to turn her so that we could clean her up and change the sheets. We tried drugging her within an inch of her life so that we could clean her, but she was strong and would punch anyone within punching distance. After one unpleasant episode where a nurse got slugged in the boobs and cried, we decided that was it. She could just lie in her waste and have her skin eaten away by acid.

The day finally came when she was transferred to a "home" because there was nothing more that we could do for her and she was taking up a valuable bed. The shrieking and cursing was unreal when the men loaded her onto the gurney to take her away. My guess is that she'll be dead within a year unless she decides to start moving around. I don't know why they agree to do elective surgery on people like that.

There's A Man In My Bed

The patient was upset.

"There's a man in my bed," she hissed.

Asked what she was talking about, she pointed at her legs and said, "I can see his legs under the covers."

Whoever this man is, he must follow her everywhere she goes.

****************************
A patient was brought in by paramedics. She had an IV in her breast. There was nothing wrong with her arms, but for reasons best known to them, they chose her boob. Were they bored and looking for unusual places to put IVs or perhaps, they just wanted an excuse to see and handle her breasts? If I ever get one of them for a patient, maybe I will try putting an IV in their penis.

Mistaken Identity

While waiting for the elevator at work, I said hi to another employee. She looked at me oddly and also said hi. In a whisper she then asked, "Did you resolve that problem?"

I asked, "What problem?"

"With the aide."

I said, "Huh?"

"You know, the problem with the aide."

Again I said, "Huh?" (I can be so articulate sometimes.)

It turned out that she thought that I was the nurse who strangled the aide awhile back. Now, I admit that I have thought about strangling people. Heck, I've even been strongly tempted on occasion, but I have never actually strangled anyone. It wasn't me. Who else thinks I'm the strangling nurse?

Party Poopers

What is it with retiring nurses? Why won't they come to their own retirement parties? A few days I wrote a post about a retiring coworker who didn't give us any advance notice that she was leaving, making it hard for us, well, actually impossible for us to give her a party on her last day at work.

Now, another nurse has retired. We knew she was leaving, so a party was organized, a special cake was ordered and then at the last minute she came up with some feeble excuse for not coming. The picture is of her cake.

Is it us they hate or can they not stand the thought of coming back to the hospital for even their own party? In a way, though, I understand. I'm not sure I will tell anyone when I retire either, just because I hate good-byes (and the hospital and a few, no, a lot of other things). Is anyone else contemplating secret retirements?

Pointless Poke

The things that I have to put up with. Today someone stuck a needle in my arm and injected tuberculosis. It was killed first, but still. I have to go through this every year to keep my job.

The employees who test positive don't go through this because what's the point? We know they will test positive, so they merely fill out a form stating whether or not they have any symptoms of TB. If they deny symptoms, they're done. Why can't they do this with everyone? I could fill out the form too and deny coughing, night sweats, etc., and not have to be stuck. It's almost like they want to torture the few of us who haven't tested positive for TB, yet.

Not So Fantastic Sam's

I hate getting my hair cut. I would almost rather go to the dentist. I said almost. I can't remember the last time I got a trim and people were starting to say things like, "Your hair is starting to get really long." But no one ever said that it looked nice. The only comments regarded length.

And then last week I saw something that frightened me. It was a woman who I'm guessing was in her sixties. Her snow white hair straggled down to her waist. She was tall, very fair and she looked like a ghost woman. Scariest of all, she looked like me or like what I could easily become someday. I don't want to look like a ghost and scare people like that. It was time to do something about my hair.

I went to Fantastic Sam's. It's a convenient, cheap place to go and I've always been satisfied with the cuts, but what an ordeal they put me through. Every time we go through the same routine. They insult my hair, my shampoos and conditioners and then describe in great detail what wonderful products they sell and how if I use their shampoo all of my life problems will be solved and I will live happily ever after. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but it is an annoying hard sell technique that only serves to annoy me rather than make me eager to buy.

I don't wish to prolong the sales talk or engage in unpleasantness, so I use a fogging technique. I agree with everything they say with the hope that they will soon run out of steam and move on to another topic. It works, but I'm so tempted to say what I'm really thinking and tell them how bad I think their shampoo and conditioner is and how it makes my hair look and feel like straw. I would be better off using scouring powder on my hair than their products and that the first thing I do when I get home after getting my hair cut is to wash it. Their products leave a sticky residue in my hair and getting it out of my hair is my number one priority. In other words, their products suck. So there.

Not wishing to engage in combat, I just sit there silently and brood. Is it any wonder that so much time goes by between visits? The results were acceptable, but it's going to be a long time before I go back.

White, Canary and Pink

White, canary and pink. This doesn't seem to bother anyone but me. Let me explain. Some of the hospital forms come in triplicates and each page is a different color. The pages are labeled white, canary and pink. Doesn't anyone else see the problem here? The colors should be called white, yellow and pink or they should all have frou frou names. Some possibilities are snowflake, coconut or blanc for white and apple blossom, blush or pretty in pink for pink. Somebody started a theme and didn't finish it. That's enough to send someone with OCD over the edge.

If I were in charge things would be different. I would take things a step further and name our forms coconut souffle, jonquil bouquet, and passion pink. It's important to be silly. People sometimes overlook that.

It Just Feels Wrong

One of my coworkers mentioned yesterday that today would be her last day at work before she retired. We had no idea this was coming. That was insufficient notice to plan a proper party, but I figured that if I made a Costco run before work today, I could buy some party food so that we could do at least something special on her last day. That plan was shot to Hell when I didn't wake up in time. Plan B was to give our secretary some money and send her out to buy food and a cake.

I brought money to work and guess who wasn't there. My retiring coworker decided to call in sick on her last day of work. How irritating is that? She worked here over 25 years and suddenly she's gone without any acknowledgment of her years of service. No good-byes, no nothing. Something just feels terribly wrong with that.

Another one of the nurses in my hospital suffered a catastrophic stroke while at work a couple of months ago. He's just now starting to breathe on his own, but he is unable to communicate and no one really knows how much he understands. He's still in our ICU.

This nurse is also the sole support of his quadriplegic wife, minor child and wheelchair-bound, seriously ill mother. Because he is no longer able to work, he was terminated, which also resulted in the loss of his health insurance. His family is now being sent massive bills for his hospitalization. Something just feels terribly wrong with that too. (And I thought that I had problems)

Don't Feed The Chimps

Before he became a patient, back when he was still just a fool, he decided to stick his hand into a cage to feed the chimps. We saw him after surgery to put his finger back together with hardware. Naturally, he had no insurance.

Upon discharge, he was given a prescription for antibiotics and he said that he wanted the insurance to pay for it. What insurance? We paid for his entire hospitalization, but that's not good enough. He wanted us to buy his medications to take home with him too. Ungrateful fool.

Power Trips

Cell phones drive me crazy. I know that they're convenient and can be a life saver in an emergency, and yes, I have one too, but they drive me crazy.

The other day, Sarah and I were doing the lunch thing and at the next table a couple of women were starting to give their order to the waiter when one of their cell phones rang. She picked it up and began having a long conversation while everyone waited. The waiter just stood there. The call was not of great importance. No one had died, a kidney was not waiting for her at the hospital, it was just the usual mindless chitchat.

After a couple of minutes of proving how important she was to the waiter, she then finished giving her order. Yeah, we were all impressed with how important she thought she was.

After lunch, we went shopping. We're both a bit lame, in a literal sense. Sarah is still recovering from major surgery and I have arthritis in my hips. We shopped too long and walking back to the car, we were having problems walking. Sarah was taking tiny, slow steps slightly hunched over in pain and I was limping, each step sending a jolt of pain in my hips.

As we crossed a driveway, a car approached and waited for us to walk by. We were going as fast as we could, but it wasn't fast enough for the driver and he or she aggressively stepped on the gas, swung around us and took off like a rocket. I'm sure that it was just to prove a point. What nerve of us to walk slowly. I guess we're lucky he or she didn't decide to run us over, but then, that would have put a dent in the car.

Vested

Today is vesting day. This is the five year anniversary of working for my employer, so I will now qualify for a pension, if I live that long. It's hard to believe that five years has gone by, it feels more like twenty. And, I have only fifteen more years to go, if I don't wear out before that. I also get a raise and will be invited to a party in October to celebrate. Woohoooo!

I never thought that I would look forward to being old enough to retire. How is it possible that I'm quickly approaching fifty and I'm still just a kid?

Bleeding Eyeball

The patient had surgery on his right eye, but he came back from OR with his left eyeball bleeding. Concerned that the wrong eye might have been operated on, the patient wanted the surgeon called to find out what happened. The surgeon explained that the correct eye had been operated on, but he had also injected something into the other eye. We assume that he had a good reason. I'm not sure which is more disturbing, seeing an eyeball bleed, knowing why it's doing that, or looking in the chart and not finding a consent for the eyeball injection.

Blonde Logic Applied To Shopping

When Sarah and I go to Ireland this Spring, It's guaranteed that the weather will be sunny and warm. How do I know this? Because we will be packed for near-freezing temperatures and rain of biblical proportions. In front of Sarah are the six pairs of boots she is planning on bringing. She's way ahead of me when it comes to boots. I don't have any yet for the trip.

One of Sarah's coats is draped on her shoulder. I don't know how many she's bringing, but I think I'm winning when it comes to coats and jackets. I bought two new heavy jackets and my first real rain coat. Maybe I'll model them later if I'm in the mood. Lets see, what does one wear under a rain coat?

The pink poodle Sarah is holding is her purse. It zips up the back. I want one too. Who says that grown-ups can't carry pink poodle purses?

And of course, we need luggage to carry our cold winter gear in, so Sarah bought new purple luggage. I now have Sarah's old tapestry luggage, which is much nicer than anything I own.

We figure that we didn't really spend as much money as it seems like. Because Sarah still only has one set of luggage, she didn't really buy a set. And because I gave a jacket to Sarah that didn't fit me properly, I really only bought one new jacket. See how much money you save when you give your old stuff away?

Produce Envy

I visited Sarah and found several tomato plants covered with fruit and blossoms. On her table was a pile of tomatoes that she had picked. How unfair is that? My tomato plants shriveled up and died in October. I just pulled out my basil a few days ago because all of the leaves had shriveled up and blown away in the last storm. And her garden is a summer paradise, still.



Her pepper plants are even still thriving.

In Sarah's garage was this bin full of narcissus bulbs ready to plant. Her father doesn't know it yet, but that's going to be his project when her parents come to visit soon.

I'm feeling so inadequate. I like living in Santa Clarita, but it's so much colder than the Valley. At least that's going to be my excuse for my sad garden until I can think of a better one.

Icky Thing On The Stairs

I was coming down the stairs this morning and saw this thing lying on a step. It was a piece of tape stuck to a cotton ball and there was a speck of blood on it. It must have gotten stuck on me at the hospital and I tracked it in the house. Did it come off the HIV patient or just one of the other patients with various blood-borne diseases? Oh well, it could have been worse. At least I didn't find it in bed with me.

Urinated On Once Again

My patient was discharged and the transporter said that he was on his way with a wheelchair, so I began untying the patient to have him ready. The patient had been tied down because it was the only way to keep him in bed and he was too unsteady on his feet to walk. The transporter didn't come right away which created a problem. I was much too busy to stand there and watch the patient, but I didn't dare leave him. I saw an aide on the other side of the unit and decided to ask her to babysit. I walked over towards her, while looking over my shoulder at the patient. Before I reached the aide, I saw the patient start to get up. I flew across the unit, pulling something in my groin in the process, and caught him just as he started to fall face first.

Then the patient said he wanted to pee. I handed him a bottle and stood there holding him up while he went. His aim was off and urine began running down his legs and my legs too. I called that to his attention and then he dropped the bottle on the floor. The resulting splash got my shoes. The transporter arrived at this time, so I dried the patient and plunked him down in the wheelchair. Good riddance. Oh, and of course, this was the at beginning of the shift. The evening went downhill from there.

Drinking Blood And The Raffle

My patient needed blood, so I walked in the room with a unit and set it down on her table.

"I can't eat that," she said.

I explained that the blood was going to go in her veins; we weren't going to make her drink it.

"I'm a vegetarian," she replied.

I got a good laugh out of this. She got the blood anyway, she was too confused to refuse, but she got me thinking. Is it okay for vegetarians to get blood as long as it enters through their veins and not their mouth?

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The hospital Christmas party was a couple of weeks ago and people are still talking about what happened. If alcohol had been served, the lapse in judgment would have been more understandable, perhaps, but this was a dry party.

At this party given by a top hospital administrator, there was a drawing for prizes. The grand prize was a TV and guess who won it? The administrator who threw the party. How tacky is that? I don't particularly care who won the TV, but I am enjoying observing the brewing resentment and controversy. The employees are in two camps over this. One group thinks that the contest was rigged. The other group believes that she won through luck, but showed poor taste in entering her name in the drawing and then accepting the prize.

This is schadenfreude at its best. It's so enjoyable to watch someone you dislike fall on their face. And, no one even tripped her, she fell without anyone's help. *giggle*

Specimens, Profanity, Gas And Parasites

A patient gave me two specimen cups. One was urine, the other was sputum. They were both frothy, cloudy and yellow. I didn't know which was which. I held them up to the light and swirled them as though I were examining a fine wine. Still no clue. Finally, I removed the lids and sniffed. That was not nearly as much fun as sniffing wine. Instead of a fruity, full-bodied essence, hinting of Spring blossoms, one of them smelled like piss and the other like putrid mold. Problem solved.

Another screamer patient has upped the ante. If we don't do what he wants the second he wants it, he screams F...!!! His door is now closed which upsets him even more and so he screams even more. I'm not going to do it, but it would be so tempting so yell various things back at him, such as " You wish" or "Like you still could" or "What woman would have you, you useless piece of s...?" I really need a vacation.

An elderly woman said something that truly puzzled me. She was complaining about gas pains and said that she was afraid that if she passed gas, the fetus would come out. I just looked at her wondering if she thought she was pregnant, when she corrected herself and said that she meant feces might come out. I had to leave the room for a minute so that I could laugh and then I came back in and told her that we would clean her if she had an accident and not to worry, this kind of thing happens all of the time.

Another patient, according to her medical record, is being treated for intestinal parasites by an outside homeopathic doctor with acupuncture and herbs. This is a new one for me. If I had intestinal parasites, I'm not sure that I would want someone sticking needles in me or giving me herbs. I would want poison to kill the bloody bastards, but then that's just me.

Three Inches

This is what 3 inches of rain does to my yard. It's hard to tell where the pond begins and ends.


I really should slosh out to the drain and clean it out, but that would get me wet. For some strange reason I would rather stay inside. If the water level starts to rise much more, maybe than I'll go out and fish around for the drain and reach in with my hands and pull out the blockage. Please don't let it be a dead rat. Maybe I'll just stay inside instead. The water has to go down eventually by itself.