Bad Hospital And A Dog Bequest

My hospital has been bestowed a special honor. Out of the more than 400 hospitals in California, it has made the top 10 list...(wait for it)... of the worst hospitals in California. This is based on a study in which pneumonia patients were tracked for thirty days to see how many lived. Nobody has a worst survival rate than us.

Our patient satisfaction surveys also put us at the bottom of the pile. Of all of our sister hospitals in Southern California, none have a lower ranking. So, not only do patients perceive us to be the worst, scientific studies show that we really are the worst.

So, why do I think that this is so funny? I have no idea, it just is. No one I work with sees the humor in the situation and I can't stop laughing.

---

I still have no idea if Richard likes me. So, it took me by surprise that Richard changed his will and is leaving me his most prized possessions. No, it's not his big house near the beach; not his bank accounts either. I will get his dogs if anything happens to him. He said that I'm the only person he would trust with his dogs. That is an enormous complement, but I still don't know if he likes me. He may just recognize a crazy, insane dog person when he sees one.

Hand Paintings, Part One

Thanks, Sarah.

Don't Get Dressed In A Hurry

I got dressed in a hurry, but still, I don't know how I managed to do this. It wasn't until later when when I needed to go to the bathroom, that I noticed I wasn't wearing panties. But, I knew I had put them on.

What had happened to them? I lifted up my top and found them around my waist. Somehow I had put two legs through the same leg opening, pulled them up and didn't notice that something was wrong.

Do you suppose that is what happened to Britney Spears?

Delusional Drive

My car is under the delusion that I'm driving ninety miles an hour down an icy road around a sharp curve. Spinning wildly out of control, my car cuts the power to the gas pedal. There is just one problem. All I really did was turn the key in the ignition.

As soon as the car comes alive, it starts hallucinating. The "slip" light goes on and the car becomes almost un-drivable. The car will accelerate, but only after a three or four second delay. What I need to do is floor the gas pedal several seconds before the car needs to go, but I lack that particular skill. People honk at me when the light turns green and I just sit there. Yes, I know the light is green. I'm just waiting for the power to kick in. *sigh*

This started two days after I got the oil changed in my car. Is it a coincidence? I never had this problem before. So, now my car has to go back to the dealer. I wonder what they will break next time.

Now, Why Didn't I Think Of That?

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you
are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 75 .

He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently..

Up to 80.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him
and smiles. "The airbag."

Black Wednesday And The Mutiny

On yesterday's dog walk, we passed a small park. Usually, there might be at most, one or two cars parked there, but this day, the street was completely lined on both sides by parked cars. As we came over the rise, a large group of people came into view. They were standing in front of a man in a suit and tie who was talking to them with broad arm gestures.

On the picnic tables nearby, were large floral arrangements. I thought perhaps it was a wedding, but there was no bride and groom. As I got closer, I could see some posters covered with photos. It appeared to be a memorial service.

Perhaps the fact that the majority of the people were wearing black should have been another clue, but I was thrown off by the choice of black clothes. They were wearing black t-shirts or black sweatshirts, all with jeans. Jeans, sweats and t-shirts are the native costume for my people, but I thought perhaps for a special occasion they might wear something different.

The last time I went to a funeral, I wore a navy dress with a white lace collar and fit in with the other guests. It wasn't that long ago. Have things changed that quickly or was this just a strange crowd? What do you wear to funerals?

---

From the powers that be who run the hospital, it has been mandated that a particular patient be put in a chair twice a day. There is a good reason for this. If we can change her from a bed-bound person to a wheelchair bound person, we can save significant money on her health care related transportation costs. The problem is that she flat-out refuses to let us get her into a chair.

The patient is alert and oriented and legally has the right to refuse. We have been told to explain the situation to her and then get her up, regardless. One person did try, but she started screaming and hitting.

I don't want to be arrested for assault and battery, nor be sued in a civil action. My coworkers don't want to risk this either. The bigwigs don't care and are still insisting that we put her in a chair anyway. We will not comply with this demand. I wonder if they would fire all of us?

Boobs, The Z And New Furniture

Why is that I'm busier on my days off than on my working days? I had to get up early, wash my deodorant off and rush out of the house to get my boobs smashed between plates of plexiglas.

My clinic has two mammogram machines, one for small to average-sized breasts and the other for big mammas. They asked my bra size when I made the appointment to make sure my appointment was for the correct room. The small machine is the best one. It's new, digital and gives the best pictures.

I made the appointment in person while wearing a t-shirt. Anyone could see that I'm not a big mamma, not even remotely close. I could see that the young guy making the appointment didn't like having to ask my bra size, but I guess he's not allowed to estimate. He also had to ask if I had implants. Uh, if I had implants, would I really choose to be not quite an A cup? I just said no. He was just doing his job.

After getting squished, which didn't hurt at all, I had to rush to the car dealer for my cars' scheduled maintenance. In line ahead of me was a woman with my car's identical twin. She was clearly upset. A tow truck driver stayed with her while she cried and talked to various people.

She lost her car keys. The only way to fix the problem was to be towed to the dealer to have another set made. The dealer could not help her, at least not that day. She ended up being driven away by the tow truck driver and leaving her car behind.

That got me thinking. I only have one set of car keys. If anything happens to them, I would really be screwed too. I decided to order an extra set. I've heard that it is expensive to get new car keys and remotes, but I had to idea how bad it was. The oil change cost about forty bucks, the new key and remote cost two hundred and fifty bucks. Since I was spending money anyway, I also bought a new license plate holder. My old one advertised the dealer I bought the car from and it seemed rather odd to drive a Nissan with Saturn plates. That problem is fixed now. My plate now just says "Z".

After the car was taken care of, I had to rush home to meet the delivery men bringing my new couch and love seat. They had a five hour delivery window and I was away for the first hour of it. There was no evidence that they had come in my absence, so I just waited.

Having nothing better to do, I dragged the downstairs furniture upstairs, polished the wood floors and waited. I wanted to take the boys for a walk and buy groceries, but I was afraid missing the delivery men, so I waited. The time for delivery came and went. I called the store and they said to wait a little longer.

Eventually they came and dropped off the furniture. The boys immediately jumped on the couch and fell asleep. At least they approve of my selection. I'm not sure about the pillows that came with the couch, but that is easily fixed. I practically have a pillow store upstairs.

Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2:

A Reverend offered a lift to a Church lady. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a very well turned leg. The Reverend nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he slowly laid his hand on her leg. The church lady said, "Reverend, remember Psalm 129?" His hand quickly fell away.

As the ride continued, so did the temptation until once more he laid his hand on her leg and once again the church lady said, "Reverend, remember Psalm 129?"

The Reverend apologized "I am so sorry that my flesh is so weak." Arriving at back at the church, the church lady went on her way.

As quickly as he could the reverend rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. Clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. Along came a fox, who jumped on the rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree from there he was able reach a higher branch until finally he was perched on the top branch of the tree. He could see for miles Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Naked In The Neighborhood

I didn't mean to do it. Honestly, it was an accident. Now, the neighborhood knows what my butt looks like.

It was just a dog walk. Kelsey, bless his little heart, gets so excited for walks. He jumps up and down and runs in circles around me. We were only 50 feet into the walk when he jumped on me from behind. The next thing I knew, my sweat pants and panties were down to my thighs in back. At least I had grabbed the front of the pants fast enough to keep from being exposed in front.

Naturally, a car was approaching me from behind when this happened. Maybe they didn't notice. Would you notice if the only person on the sidewalk was mooning you?

It might be time to move.

Born To Shop

This was routine car maintenance day. I had an appointment at the Ford dealer and so naturally, I nearly took the Nissan. I had to pull back in the garage and get the right car. Next week I have an appointment at the Nissan dealer. I wonder what the odds are that I will try to take the Ford?

Entertaining myself while my car is being worked on isn't very hard. Most of the major shopping centers are within walking distance of the dealer. The challenge is not to buy more than I can carry, which is a rule I broke today. On the way back, I had to stop frequently to rest my arms. I was dripping in sweat and my heart was skipping beats. Who knew that shopping could be such serious aerobic exercise?

It didn't seem like my purchases should have been that heavy. I bought seven new tops and a pair of pants. It all weighed practically nothing. My old clothes are so conservative and boring, I need something sexier to wear for dates. (Did I mention that Richard still wants to go out with me? It appears that "we'll see" means yes. If I had an ounce of pride, I would decline to go out with him again, but I'm without pride.)

I also needed some new sheets and a new comforter set. Sarah, before you say anything, I know that I have enough linens to open a store, but I'm bored with what I have. I need change just for the sake of change. What I got was everything in pure, pristine Egyptian cotton white. It's probably going to be a major mistake considering that the dogs sleep in bed, but what's done is done. And of course, I had to have matching drapes.

It all weighed a ton and the dealer was a good half-mile away, so I had to lug everything. All of the dealers are on the same road and they were setting up for President's Day sales. Balloons and tents decorated the lots. Barbecue equipment was being set up and I wouldn't be surprised if a pony is brought in to entertain the kids. What caught my eye was a pale yellow BMW sport's car for sale. I wanted it so badly, but I'm pretty sure there is some rule that you're not allowed to own two sport's cars and I'm not giving up my Z.

Driving home, I bought a new couch and love seat. So finally, there will be plenty of room again for the boys and I to sit together on the couch. This was an expensive day, but it could have been far worse. At least I don't have a third car sitting in my driveway.

What Is In My Garden Now

Another Reason Not To Get Sick

This is a dirty leg bendy machine resting on a clean bed. It's also known as a CPM (continuous passive motion), but I prefer the term, leg bendy machine, because then the patients know what I'm talking about.

The problem is that it was taken off a patient, and put on a clean bed. The end of the machine that rests against and sometimes digs into the patient's private parts is resting where the next patient will put her head. This kind of thing drives me nuts.

Another popular place for the leg bendy machine is on the floor. Later, when the machine is put back on the patient, all of the nasty bugs on the floor are then transported into the patient's bed and then ground into the patient's crotch. Infections are running rampant and people wonder why.

And then, there is the finger thingy (O2 sat machine). To measure how much oxygen is in the patient's blood, we stick their finger in a small device. We go from patient to patient spreading finger bugs.

The dirtiest part of a patient is usually the fingers. People scratch their wounds and touch every part of their body with their fingers. If I'm looking for a man's hands under the blanket, I have a good idea where they will be, resting on his privates. I will remove his hand from his penis, put his finger in the machine and then move onto the next patient who likely is doing the same thing.

Even for the patients with known antibiotic resistant infections, we do the same. In theory, we should have dedicated equipment for isolation patients, but we don't have enough equipment to go around. The same equipment has to be used on everybody and is not cleaned, ever.

If I'm ever in the hospital, I'm going to keep hand-cleaning wipes next to my bed to wipe my hands every time my O2 sat is checked and hope that my bed hasn't been used to store dirty equipment.

You Look Like That Actress

About 30 years ago, everywhere I went, people would say that I looked just like Diane Keaton. I didn't really see the resemblance. People would often add that it wasn't just that I looked like her, we also had the same smile, shy mannerisms and facial expressions. Eventually, I saw Annie Hall to see what the fuss was all about, but still didn't really see the resemblance.

Once people forgot about the movie, Annie Hall, I stopped hearing the comparisons to Diane Keaton. Thirty years went by and all of a sudden, the comparisons have started again. Patients, upon meeting me, will almost invariably say, you look just like that actress. It can take them a minute to think of her name and until they do it drives them crazy. It's starting to drive me crazy too. It's not that she's unattractive, but why can't people think I look like Daryl Hannah instead?

Who do people think you look like?

Grand Prize Winner

It appears that I have won some contest that I never entered. This is the e-mail below. Since I'm not going to claim the prize, anyone who is interested can claim it instead. Just let me know what they really wanted.

MICROSOFT OUTLOOK AWARD LOTTERY


From: Mrs. Grace Ferry

(Lottery Coordinator)Bookerstraat 234,1054AK Amsterdam

Netherlands CONGRATULATIONS!!! We are pleased to inform you the result of the Microsoft Outlook Award Lotteries, held on the 8th February 2007.


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You are to receive €1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros).


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This measure must be adhere to avoid loss of your cash prize - winners of our cash prizes are advised to adhere to these instructions to forestall the abuse of this program by other participants. It's important to note that these draws were conducted formally, and winners are selected through an Internet ballot system from 60,000 individual and companies e-mail addresses the draws are conducted around the world through our Internet based ballot system.

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(Lottery Coordinator)

Too Much To Ask

My patient was admitted with back pain, but his real problem was that he wanted to kill himself. While in the holding area earlier, he had tried to strangle himself with the phone cord. He told anyone who would listen that he wanted to kill himself. The doctor ordered a one-to-one sitter and requested a psych consult.

The shrink said that he didn't want to see the patient until the back pain was under control. Since it was a Friday afternoon, that meant the patient would not be seen until Monday.

The patient was not delirious with pain. He was perfectly lucid and able to talk coherently. He was in mental anguish and didn't want to live another minute. During a one minute break when the sitter went to get some water for the patient, he tried once again to strangle himself with the phone cord and hid under the blanket to hide his suicide attempt.

This is a man in mental anguish who needs to talk to a shrink and get started on some medication to ease his suffering. Instead, he is expected to wait until Monday. Also, because the shrink didn't see him, we don't have a 72 hour hold on him. Anytime he wants, he can just walk out the door and the only thing we can do is wave bye-bye.

Yes, that shrink is Richard. The real problem is that he doesn't like being called for consults on Friday afternoons. Can you tell that I'm pissed off at him? (He didn't even come visit me.)

Chart Snooping

One of the disadvantages of working for a large HMO is that the health insurance provided is for the same huge HMO. I miss my family doctor and although I really can't complain about the care I've received from the HMO, it's just not the same. I really liked my family doctor.

One advantage to the present arrangement is that I can bring up my chart on the computer. It violates all kinds of rules to do this, but I don't see the harm. I'm a nurse; I understand what I see and if it concerns my health, I should be allowed to know what is going on, not just what someone chooses to tell me. My coworkers look at their charts too. Could you resist the temptation to see what labels doctors have attached to you?

Anyway, I had a routine physical and some of my lab results were e-mailed to me before I got home. That was pretty cool. My family doctor could never have done that.

I was unhappy with my cholesterol level. It was 200. Considering that I already practically live on nuts and berries, there isn't much else I can do, short of medication, to bring it down. The results didn't give a complete breakdown, so the next time I went to work, I pulled up my chart on the computer. The official lab results showed that my cholesterol was a very respectable 179. The other things I care about such as HDL, triglycerides and ratio, which were left off of my e-mail, were perfect.

It's nice that they e-mail lab results, but what is the point if the results are wrong and incomplete? I'm glad that I'm able to be pro-active in my health care, even if it means snooping in my chart, but what about other people?

Do you belong to an HMO and if so, what do you think about it?


Note: I tried to spell-check this, but once it got to a word it didn't know, it wouldn't let me continue. So, nothing after HDL was checked. This new Blogger is so annoying.

Bully Blogger

I really didn't want to do it. I was practically screaming and fighting all of the way, but it is now done. I've updated to new Blogger.

Why did I do it? I had no choice. Last night I got home from work with a freshly hand-written post and tried to log on to old Blogger to type it and it wouldn't let me on. It insisted that I switch over to new Blogger. Instead, I turned it off and went to bed.

This morning, I hoped that the problem had magically gone away during the night. It didn't. It was either make the switch or not be able to post anymore. So, that is why I made the switch. What can you do?

Who Will Be Next?

Not too long ago I wrote a post about a patient who got second degree burns on her arm from a warm pack. The aide had heated it in the microwave until it was nice and searing hot. A new rule was made that warm packs can't go into the microwave and I thought that would be the end of it, but it's just the beginning. Proceedings have been brought to fire the nurse, not the aide who applied the warm pack, but the RN whose patient was injured.

All the RN did was ask the aide to apply a warm pack to the patient's arm. That is how we do things and perfectly acceptable. None of us can figure out why the RN is being held responsible.

I have to be honest. I do not like this RN and would be happy to see her go, but I don't want it to happen like this. This is just plain wrong. The union is fighting it and the nurse has hired a lawyer.

This nurse, though not popular among her peers, seems well-liked by management. We tend to think of her as "one of them". She is the last person we would expect management to find trumped-up reasons to fire. If they would go after her, the rest of us aren't safe either.

The older nurses are wondering if they should take early retirement and the younger nurses are considering transferring out. This is just one of many reasons why there is a nursing shortage.

War Of The Strawberries

The food we serve to the patients is crap with one noteworthy exception; the strawberries are magnificent. They are big as apricots and incredibly sweet. We would just buy them if we could, but strawberries like these are unavailable at the local stores. The way we get them is to pick them off of patient's dirty food trays. Yes, they are good enough to risk eating off of a sick person's dirty tray.

Last night, there was an ugly confrontation over the strawberries. If you've ever seen two dogs fighting over food, you have some idea what this was like.

A large plate of strawberries arrived on the dumbwaiter with no label. One of our patients had ordered some extra strawberries, so our secretary figured that these must be for her. But, there were too many for just one person, so she started eating the extras. One of the nurses in our sister unit saw this and started yelling. She said that the strawberries were for one of their patients and she grabbed the plate away.

The secretary watched sullenly as the plate was taken into their kitchen. Hey, wait a minute she thought. If they were for a patient why were they taken into the kitchen? She waited a couple of minutes and the strawberries never left the kitchen.

She walked over to the kitchen, opened the door and found several nurses eating the strawberries. We figure that they must have a friend in the kitchen who sent them and they were upset because our secretary stole some of their stolen strawberries.

An ugly fight ensued with both sides threatening to write each other up. The fight ended with our secretary yelling, "Liar, liar, strawberries on fire." I have no idea what that meant and I guess no one else did either. Silence followed. There is nothing like a silly statement to end an argument.

It's Time To End This

Here we go again, another Richard post and I'm feeling depressed. We went out last night and he seemed to have a good time, but afterwards when I asked if he would like to go out again, he said, "We'll see." It's been my experience that "we'll see" means no.

I said that it doesn't sound like he's interested in me. He answered it wasn't that, he just needed time to think. Again, to my ears that sounds like no, he's not interested or has major reservations about me.

Richard is sixty and never been married because he says that he has never found the right woman. With all of the women he has dated and rejected over the last 45 years, I knew that there was little chance that I might be "the one" for him. But, I'm not looking for marriage, just a boyfriend and I guess I hoped that I would be good enough to be a girlfriend. It never occurred to me that Richard might actually be looking for a wife and kids.

Richard said last night that he wants to get married and have kids. He's sixty and I'm fifty. Kids are not going to happen. Even with in vitro and donor eggs it's unlikely to happen and I'm not sure that it should happen. He's open to adoption, but people our age can't adopt, even overseas. He would be open to marrying a woman with kids and helping to raise them, but anyone remotely in his age group would have only grown kids. He needs to find a much younger woman if he's serious about having kids. It never occurred to me that I might be too old for a sixty year old man.

Or, maybe it's not that at all and he just doesn't like me. He has said many times that I'm very attractive, smart, charming and easy to talk to, but I know there is a "but" in there somewhere. This isn't good and I don't like waiting to see what the verdict is going to be. I deserve better than this.

The Money Bag

It used to be that every nurse I worked with came from a different country, so that the only language we had in common was English. That kept things simple. English was the only language spoken. As nurses have quit and been replaced with Tagalog speaking nurses, the primary language spoken at work has changed to Tagalog.

I haven't been happy with that change; I feel excluded and left out when everyone around me is speaking some language I don't understand. Aside from being rude, it is also unsafe. I have no idea what is going on at work unless someone decides to translate for me.

I mentioned this to one of the bosses once and she just said, "We are the majority here." I never said another word about it, but wasn't happy. Privately, the non-Tagalog nurses grumbled amongst themselves about it, but what could we do?

What has changed is that the patients have begun complaining. No one likes to feel like they're in a third world hospital, surrounded by nurses jabbering away in some strange dialect. The complaints began pouring in and that is what got management's attention.

We now have a money bag. Anyone who speaks any language other than English on the floor, gets fined two dollars. The money goes in the money bag and when there is enough, we will have a party. On the first day of the rule, we collected enough for a pizza. Things are looking up.